Tying a Knot in my Rope

I am not sure if I am on Day 198 of Bound Lotus, or back at Day 9. If it is Day 198, it is sheerly by Grace. If it is Day 9, then the arbitrary numbers I laid out in the preface to this blog are uncanny. If I'm starting all over again (dammit) and on Day 9, then Day 12 is the first day of a seminar I teach. I've been saying I want to be one if those yoga instructors who travel and teach seminars...if that ends up happening, this Saturday would be the beginning. Day 235 would be New Year's Eve of this year, Day 872 would be my birthday in 2012! And day 1'000 would be the anniversary of my mother's birthday in 2013! Groundhog's Day! Candlemas! The day that Kabbalists begin their meditations anew...(arbitrary numbers I picked?) Maybe. Maybe not. But for these dates to be significant, I'd have to be on Day 9. Again. I don't know... I really don't know... Was I given Grace in this matter, and in ways I don't understand? Or was the Grace in not 'knowing' for sure that I had to start all over again from scratch? It would have made my heart sink to have known that last Monday, and know that the aspiring philanderer who posed as a spiritual friend was some sort of wierd idea of Grace to mak me miss 90 Days of Praanpathi Namo Namo four days before finishing, and then, potentially, Day 188 of Bound Lotus.

Whatever the Truth is, no mere mortal, or man, will ever get in the way of my completing Bound Lotus again. I'll do it first thing in the morning to keep up my end, and ask that they leave me alone for their part. I think I've dug through another layer of anger towards men. I'm working on it. Right now, I'm pretty angry with men. The inability to forgive men for having a penis IS the ultimate source of my anger. And I have myself to forgive too, for spending years in a strip club mocking men's inability to use their equipment wisely. I secretly ridiculed them and laughed at them for their silliness and kowtowing to their little brains. It's safe to say I am spitting mad. What is interesting is that, unlike in the past, I can also put on a genuine face and smile about other things, such as how beautiful the day is, how pretty the birds sound outside, and how much I love blackberries, miso soup, and pizza. Not in that order, nor all at once.

I am a wierd combination of being very, very angry at men, and exquisitely happy that I don't have to share my home or day with a man if I don't want to...something a woman in centuries past could not likely have experienced.