...to my father that it is nice that the one fellow in one of my classes who had a crush on me is letting it go, and that my Tuesday night class is full of men who say they enjoy my class, AND behave themselves. Now, famous last words, there's an idiot with a crush on me. Trying to flatter me, acting giddy, blah, blah, blah. I do not return the interest. I am not interested. The idea of dealing with a man on a day to day basis in a relationship does not appeal. Much less sex. That makes me feel like puking! No more!!!! If I fix my hair, or dress nicely, or wear a little make-up, or earrings, it is because I enjoy my own body. I like seducing myself in the mirror. I WILL not give that option to a man. They'd best get over it. I am sick of men and their damn penises needing to be anywhere and everywhere. They can be friends with me, and that's it. If I even think they are 'waiting in the wings', they are gone.
I want to be with Amma. I want to leave. I want to become a bramacharyin. I've had these phases before... But this time... I don't know. I feel about sex and attraction and desire now the way I finally began to feel about alcohol. It no longer has an attraction. At least not with another human. And with myself, hardly ever. I've never been happier than without all that bullshit. Not that sex is bad, I just don't want it, and I don't like the games and manipulations for it.
What does it mean that I feel strongly about this today, when I've just finished 90 Days of 'Aakhan Jor' meditation? Or, I think, 90 Days of 'Heart of Gold'? It doesn't feel golden, just bitter. Quietly bitter, though, without the bite. Ammachi, whom I appear to be named after, says it takes a long time for us to get to the bottom of our anger. I think it is safe to say I am very, very, very angry with men as a whole gender. They could try harder to respect women and their boundaries, instead of assuming that because there is no ring that a woman is available. Much less the kind who is attracted even more when there is a ring. The only marriage ring I want is for the soul inside. I plan never to get married and never, ever, ever, ever to have a physical relationship with a man again. And this idiot better get a clue.
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