A Gorgeous But Difficult Day

I did Bound Lotus, and most of my other Kundalini Yoga practices, amidst an exciting but harrowing day. Kirtan Kriya, to help release past connections and traumas, however, I did not do. Though 11 days ago I completed 40 days of Kirtan Kriya, and was heading for 90, at day 51 it didn't happen. It's not the end of my trying though...if at first you don't succeed, try, try again as my grandfather (ironically) used to say. Fortunately, I have not broken the practice of Bound Lotus. As midnight approached, I had to chose which was most important.

The General Consensus...

...between Sat Inder, Santokh and myself is that Kundalini Yoga makes your hair thicker, your feet bigger? (not mine, hers), and just generally creates miracles. For instance, I have energy like I did in my 20s. My lung volume is insanely huge (compared to my entire former asthmatic life). My butt is perky and rounder like it was in my 20s. I am waaay more confident. I'm also a little bit bitchier, but that is just coming into my true self, and she has a bitchy side. My hair is DEFINITELY thicker (I can't get the same 'stretched out' old ponytail holders around it), and all my bitching about not wanting the white hair that was coming in has apparently turned it to the silvery gray that I wanted! Jai!!!!

Jai Hanuman! too, on Hanuman's birthday. As an aside, no wonder I felt inspired to sing the Hanuman Chalisa out of nowhere this morning at 12:01 am.

I do feel, though, like I might have been secretly praying for the wrong miracles. I mean, for instance, if a genie gave me 3 wishes, should they be thicker hair, silver hair, and a round butt? I like this, don't get me wrong...but I'm gonna go with 3 more wishes:

(1) $9, 980 as a gift, tax free...to be spent on KRI Teacher Training, a new Apple Laptop, a vaccuum cleaner, my credit cards paid off, and a down payment on a new little Mazda thingy that looks like the Honda Fit.

(2) Looooooooooooots and lots of friends who love my food, my jokes, dinner parties on the floor, and who always invite me everywhere because I make them so happy their faces hurt!

(3) A new house for my Dad and his $100,000 worth of debt paid off so he can retire and write the book he always wanted to write.

THAT's making the most of, and better use of the 3 wishes. I think I artfully crammed it all in there...

Oh wait! Just for vanity's sake, can I have a 4th wish? That I can easily and blissfully get into Bound Lotus, love it, and do it for the rest of my looong, healthy life.

Oh wait! One more, one more....World Peace, or something really damn close!

The Wind That Blows Through Me

It is amazing how my neck got out of whack taking a class on Saturday that was incredibly dangerous, and then the practice of the Kundalini Yoga meditation of Praanpathi Namo Namo I've been doing for weeks is healing the misalignment from the class. Not only that, but yesterday when I was suppose to teach my first class at a new studio, but no one showed up, I zipped over to take Kundalini with Guru Sandesh, and we did a Kriya for Heart Connection that blew my heart wide open, and released my spine even more...

Music for Whirling like a Dervish

I've been listening to Manish Vyas' "Sufi Splendor", and spinning around my living room like Jelaluddin Rumi, the founder of the Mevlavi Sufi order of Whirling Dervishes. The poet. The breather of the words quoted on Sat Kartar's facebook page: "Don't go back to sleep....

I am rereading Bede Griffiths "Return to the Center", a book by a Christian and Hindu mystic who has dispensed with all the dichotomies, dogmatic thinking, and general bullshit to touch the Source.

Yesterday I gazed at pictures of a blessed cobra who performed pooja (worship) with sacred Bilva leaves the snake plucked himself and brought through the Therrenumpallanur Temple in Tamil Nadu, India, to place gently on the Shiva Lingam like any devoted Hindu would do. On the surface the snake even looks like he might be following dogma, and he is, but his actions were definitely not dogmatic! Not by any stretch. Ha, ha. Shiva, the Lord, has a sense of humor, and as my father says, the Divine does have a wildness about it.

I am trying to learn to ride the waves and not be consumed by them. Like any good surfer. And to the Hawaiian Kahunas surfing is a spiritual practice. Does it matter the 'name' of the faith, or the form? God is in the music, the dance, the pose, the words on the page, and in the snake resting on the Shiva Lingam with a Bilva leaf in it's mouth.

Teaching Power 'Vin' was fun!

...taking Yin from someone who knows absolutely, positively nothing about how to teach it...was not fun. I think the fact that I enjoyed teaching the Power Vinyasa class so much (even without music...since I am subbing, I think that IS appropriate to adhere to the teacher's wishes) made the completely frustrating lack of safety, or even actual knowledge of the postures bearable...at least for the first hour. Then I picked up my mat and quietly left. Something I've only done one other time since I've taken actual yoga classes. Since I've been taking yoga since 1994, this should communicate volumes. Nuff said.

Now I am at home, with my precarious cervical spine safely protected, searching for chocolate before I come into Bound Lotus and the peace and calm I did not find in Yin. Granted, there are some wierdly inappropriate postures in my beloved Kundalini Yoga that I shouldn't do, but no well-educated Kundalini teacher worth their salt would insist that I do them, if I were to tell them it is contraindicated for my spine. Kundalini Teacher Training is pretty comprehensive. I think the practice of Kundalini Yoga is pretty powerful too... For instance, I do a practice meant to help channel anger appropriately (as well as Bound Lotus and other Kundalini practices), and I suspect that had I gone to this 'Yin' class prior to doing that practice regularly, I would be enraged right now. As it is, I am simply, and appropriately dismayed that this person was ever allowed to teach Yin. By an instructor, no less, who micromanages everything. She should have micromanaged this fiasco.

And while I'm on the subject, there have been a few teachers passing through that studio's doors who are qualified to teach Yin, but they've left the studio, partly because, even though they are qualified (and currently no certification is mandatory to teach Yin), the studio owner has too much of an ego to allow anyone else but herself, much less a better teacher than herself, teach Yin permanently on the schedule. Incendiary and inflammatory words?Yes. But true. I know of two such teachers who got tired of only being allowed to 'sub' Yin, never being allowed to teach a regular class. She has many good qualities, but getting beyond her ego's desire not to have anyone show her up is not one of them. Two teachers have told me in private that for this and other classes she stopped asking them to sub for her when the students proclaimed that they liked the other teachers better than her. She doesn't ask me to sub very often anymore either. And now she has someone subbing for her who is completely and utterly unqualified - capable of injuring students. I'm saying this calmly, but honestly, as I prepare to eat more chocolate and come into Bound Lotus in a safe place.

The stereo isn't working...

Ha ha! This brings a touch of irony to yesterday's post. So I taught class in Granite City sans music. It was different for them and for the class, but I've gotten used to it while teaching Power Vinyasa. The students suggested that I sing to them, but I opted out of that, and taught to the sound of their breathing. In Shavasana I played the Tibetan Bowl ap from my iPhone. Some students said they didn't even notice the music was not on.

Chit-chatting with a friend, we discussed the deeper dynamics of how certain instructors at the other studio are expected to 'toe the line', while yet others are given freedom and leeway to teach from their hearts. Obviously teaching what is listed on the schedule is a good idea, and considerate of the students who might like to know what they are in for, but as he said, "Don't let her tell you whether to play music or not. She's trying to micromanage how you teach." She's just being a bully.

In other news, I have my schedule cleared to teach new classes at another studio, specifically this week, but no communication about access to the building, nor keys. I'm not even on the schedule, when I was asked to submit a photo and bio to be listed as the new schedule went to press this past Monday. If I seem slightly annoyed (only moderately) it is simply due to the hilarious discrepancy between one studio owner who micromanages everything and is a pain in the ass, and another who is not quite on top of it, but is a sweetheart. If I were placing bets on which studio I am more likely to stay at...I'd say probably the undermanaged one because I'd rather be around sweethearts...let's just hope I actually get put on the schedule.

I am a little less stressed about Bound and my other meditations today because I just learned how to reboot my iPod, and went to the Apple store to use their Wi-Fi to download some iTunes (long songs) onto my iPhone that I needed, in case the iPod was fucked. Turns out it wasn't, although my Bound Lotus posture was a little screwy today. Kinda antsy.

Let the Music Play!

Toward the end of "It Might Get Loud" The Edge says: "When you go past unmanaged forests you see a mass of tree trunks, and then you begin to see they are all lined up in perfect rows. Clarity of vision. You begin to see things in a way that you couldn't see from that other angle." I want to know how to get there. I see yoga teachers with integrity making a very decent living doing what they love. It CAN be done, without the yogic prudes and snobs screwing with you by trying to convince you how yoga must be done a certain way and only. There is truth in learning the breathtaking groundwork upon which yoga rests, but if teaching yoga and doing yoga are not a living, 'breathing' process, then I don't care how much you've read of the Upanishads or the Hatha Yoga Pradapika, or how long you've taught Ashtanga, or whatever, if it's not alive, it's dead.

Last night I poured my heart and soul into teaching Yin and Beginners, after teaching in the morning too. I watched what the students were doing as they came in and they moved through the poses. Moving into poses I never intended to teach. When the last class began, I asked what their favorite poses were...I got 'Legs Up the Wall', so that's where we started with the mats against the wall, facing in toward each other. We moved to Sun Breaths, Warrior I & II, Prasarita Padottanasana, Uttanasana at the front of the mat, at the wall, Tree Pose at the wall and together in a circle. Cloud Salutations for balance and proprioception. Downward Dog to Baddha Konasana, side twists and Shavasana.

And all this opening tempered by the breath. Breath is life. Life is breath. If you are breathing you are alive. But not just oxygen. Prana. Praanpathi. A worship and honoring of the breath that breathes us. Praanpathi Namo Namo. An honoring of Sound, and if that sound includes music...well then it does. Music heals the soul, and anyone who thinks that an instructor who teaches with music is insecure, is well...clueless. Not even the old guard. Just missing the point. Entirely. The point is to honor the breath. Whatever works.

So tonight, we are doing yoga in Granite City to Led Zeppelin. I think. We'll see if it flows. If not, then Wah! Or Gaura Vani, Manish Vyas, maybe Bjork. Maybe a CD of tabla drums. Let the Music Play!

"The Importance of Asana"

"Modern ( and particularly modern Western) practitioners of yoga can easily jump to the conclusion that yoga postures are mere gymnastic exercises, without spiritual or philosophical significance. One purpose of this book ['Ashtanga Yoga: The Intetmediate Series' by Gregor Maehle] is to correct this misconception, to make it very clear that the asanas are part of a spiritual culture that aims at nothing short of bringing practitioners to a state of complete and absolute freedom in which they realize their innermost divine potential.

"For the majority of modern people, mere sitting in meditation is not sufficient to achieve any lasting spiritual progress or transformation. If you practice only sitting meditation or self-inquiry or the study if scripture, you can easily fool yourself about your state of attainment. True knowledge is not something that occurs in one's mind alone; it has a physical dimension as well. The Armenian mystic George I. Gurdjieff expressed this in the words, 'True knowledge is of a chemical nature.' What he meant is that authentic knowledge has a biochemical and bioelectrical component; it has substance. This component is what traditional yogis call siddhi, which is sometimes translated as 'supernatural power' or 'proof'. Asana lays the groundwork for achieving the biochemical and bioelectrical changes in our bodies that are necessary for gaining true knowledge.

"Sitting in meditation is sufficient only for those fit to practice Jnana Yoga. The term Jnana Yoga [ ] in a nutshell refers to gaining freedom by the mere contemplation of the fact that one's true self is identical with the infinite, pure consciousness, without resorting to any other techniques. Jnana Yoga and the associated seated meditation (that is, sitting upright with the head, neck, and spine in one line) can be practiced only if one's intelligence is completely freed from the stains of rajas (frenzies) and tamas (dullness). If you are not tainted by these states go right ahead and try to achieve samadhi through sitting. If, however, your intellect oscillates, as mine does, between frenzy and dullness (with some bright moments in between), then the practice of asana will be useful for you.

"Richard Freeman in his collection of discourses called 'Yoga Matrix', likened the practice of postures to going through your body with a fine-tooth comb. Thoughts and emotions that are powered by rajas or tamas leave imprints in your bodily tissue that make it more likely that rajasic or tamasic states will be repeated. These imprints are released through posture practice, thus forming the bedrock for higher yogic technique." -pps xvii, xviii

These 'imprints', of samskaras, seem to be released extremely quickly through the practice of Kundalini Yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan, probably because Kundalini Yoga technique never seperated Asana practice from meditation, the practice of the bhandas, the mudras and the pranayama and chanting; and also because, simply stated: Yogi Bhajan, being an enlightened master, had the power to empower specific series of yogic postures, or Kriyas, with the ability to have far reaching effects with very little effort. Accomplished and enlightened masters have done this before throughout Vedic history...fulfilling arduous and time-consuming lifetime practices on their own, to draw upon divine Grace and pass the ability to achieve the same results on to their students without so much effort. Classical Purashana mantra practices of say 120,000,000,000 repetitions given with intent to students, and only the injunction to complete 1,000,000 in 40 days, for instance, if they only just believe it possible and have faith. The passing of the attainment and the faith is Grace, and Grace can achieve miraculous things. But of course, the asana, the mantra, the pranayama, the bhandas and the mudras are excellent tools to assist progress on the spiritual path.

Deepening the practice of Bound Lotus

There are additions to the practice of simply binding oneself into Bound Lotus that can deepen the practice to a state of ecstasy. They are as follows: the asana of Bound Lotus itself done fully (which I cannot yet do), the Bhandas or Locks (internal muscular contractions), Pranayama (breath control or extension), and using a Drishti or focal point for the eyes. All of these actions and states of being form what are called "seals" or mudras to retain and draw upwards in the body the energy created through practice.

Bound Lotus is A Yoga Mudra itself. With the addition of rechaka, kumbaka, moola bhanda, uddiyana bhanda, Jalandhara bhanda, and the focus of the eyes internally at the heart, the Hrit Padma, below Anahata, or the point between the brows, Ajna (pronounced by Indians as 'ad- nya') the mudra or seal is deepened. With devotion it is deepened. With gratitude it is deepened, with pratyahara (sense withdrawal) it is deepened. Through dharana, concentration and listening deeply to the breath, it is deepened. This leads to dhyana, a purificatory meditative state for the body and mind, that leads to an experience of the soul in ecstatic embodiment, entwined with the Divine.

With the legs and arms locked into a continual energy circuit, the symbol of infinity, Bound Lotus can allow trancendance of consciousness and a state beyond bliss, and when one comes down again from that mountaintop, the world can seem very different. I am looking forward to the journey, which on Day 150 of a continuous, uninterrupted practice, I have only just begun. My devotion is not strong. My commitment is, but not my devotion and love of the Divine. I need to bind myself in lotus as if there is no tomorrow, and my lover will be with me only fleetingly. I need to love from the bottom of my being and with all my heart, everyone and everything. That is the only way to truly be happy. To truly experience bliss.

I will keep my body healthy and strong for this practice. Keep it clean and dress it beautifully with what I have to honor the gift of life. For my health, for the removal of further layers of disease from my own body, and to be, most importantly, of assistance to others, I will deepen my devotion from the place of passionate desire for union with the Divine that I found deep within my being 12 years ago...So my love will be as wide as the sky, "wider than Victoria Lake...taller than the Empire State." Sade's words sound like a hymn to the Divine, and the word hymn comes from the Latin hymen, a part of female sexual anatomy. Organs meant for so much more than merely sexual procreation...meant for ecstatic embodiment, enlightenment, a sense of oneness with others, Divine bliss, the transformer that allows us to become more than what we are in human form. We are as the gods. We are in cocoons waiting to burst forth from our silken threads, letting go of the mortal coil.

The Path to Samadhi (Ecstatic Embodiment)

There are particular modifications to be done in Bound Lotus that allow one to move through the limbs of practice toward Samadhi, and along the way heal the body and the mind. Through following your individual yogic path, your adhikara, the level you are suited for, you can attain true knowledge. Very few can attain this true knowledge purely through Jnana yoga or meditation. Most of us need to begin with the very first limbs of practice, i.e., Yamas, Niyamas, Asana, Pranayama...on the way to Pratyahara, Dharana, Dhyana and Samadhi.

Samadhi is ecstasy, but unlike any drug-induced state or peak of sexual pleasure. The 4th chapter of the Brhad Aranyaka Upanishad describes Samadhi as having a trillion times the intensity of sexual pleasure. This is what I call 'making Love to God', and it is an experience I have had twice in my life, back in the months of February and March of 1998. I had oddly achieved Yoga Chikitsa, or Yogic balance then, through daily practice of a divinely inspired sequence of postures given to me in meditation, that I practiced daily from November of 1997 through February of 1998. Foolishly, I allowed the man who I was dating at the time, who later stalked me, to convince me to give up my practice. But I had attained a very low level of Samadhi that to me was pure bliss! This is attainable through many methods.

Theoretically it is attainable through the sustained practice of Bound Lotus. In Patanjali's Yoga Sutras it is stated that practice can succeed (in the attainment of Samadhi) only when it is sustained uninterruptedly, for a long time, and with a devotional attitude. I14.

Back in 97 - 98 I had a strong sense of devotion, showering before practice, dressing in clean clothes, lighting a candle, following the same sequence of postures, then lying in Shavasana, utterly motionless and meditating on the chakras and the nadis after for 45 minutes a day, then sitting in meditation for 10 minutes. One day my body exploded, expanded and felt on fire with a bliss indescribable. I had no body, or rather I was deeply within it, riding waves of color and light, listening to the sound of bees humming, flutes and bells, drums, an overwhelming roar that years later, as I stood on The Maid of the Mist gazing at Niagra Falls, I realized was a similar roar. Overwhelming. Bliss. I heard it and felt it though I had no body.

This is possible by following the eight limbs, eating sattvic foods, balancing the doshas and the gunas. I practiced mental restraint then. I did not eat sugar or chocolate. No alcohol. No drugs. No sex. No meat. I prepared my place of practice as one would for a lover's tryst. I practiced every day at 4:30 AM without fail. Getting off work from a strip club, bathing and preparing to honor the divine. I had many temptations obviously, if I worked in a strip club, but I went beyond.

My body healed. Asthma dissapeared. I had no symptoms of either depression, manic depression, PTSD, nor Asperger's Syndrome. My mind and body were whole for the first time in my life. Sri K. Pattabhi Jois talks in his book "Yoga Mala" about how yoga can cure physical AND mental disease. But yoga practiced traditionally, not the Western dilutions, which can be fun and very healing to the mind, body and soul, but not to the nth degree when one truly follows the eight limbs. And bhramacharya does pretty much mean no sex. Not because it is bad, but because you are conserving energy. Building up the bank account. You won't save money if you spend it, the same with energy.

Sometimes I think of my focus back then and now. Bound Lotus is often rote for me. I do it and enjoy many benefits from the practice, but Samadhi, so far, has not been one. If I want my lover, my divine Krishna to come to me I have to ready the lover's bed by preparing my heart to receive the Divine as I sit with devotion.

Listening...

"By listening you get 100% understanding. By listening you comfort another person. By listening you develop mutual understanding with another person. Listen and you will develop intuition." - Yogi Bhajan

40 Days of Kirtan Kriya!!!!!

On the 18th I finished 11 days of singing the Mera Man Loche To Heal the Wounds of Love, on the 19th I finished 11 days of chanting the So Purkh to create change for my ex, and today I finished 40 days of Kirtan Kriya to let go of connections to the lovers and violators of my past. And then of course, Bound. I let it slip to Sat Inder that I had 4 hours of Kundalini to do, albeit with breaks. He said I should 'NEVER' do that much, but I feel fine. Better than ever. He told me once too that the foods I was eating were only for cleansing during White Tantric, but the Women's Book of Yoga recommends them...Quinoa salad; sweet potatoes; baked potatoes with ghee, raw garlic and ginger; grilled veggies; garlic toast; Yogi Tea; Golden Milk. Oh well. It works for me.

Today was his Benefit for the KRI Teacher Training, and it was really fun! 16 people showed up and he raised $465. He already has about $1300 + that, I think? Getting close. Now if I can just plan my Benefit with Chris when she gets back in town...

New Classes at D's! Yeah!!!!!

I'll be teaching a 4 pm Community Class on Sundays, and a 7:15 pm Yin/Restorative on Wednesdays. I am so excited!!! I love D's Yoga Home. Also, I'll be teaching a 6:15 pm Power Vinyasa on Tuesdays at YogaSource. I think my prosperity meditations with Subagh Kriya paid off already! What's more, while looking for books to read about Power Yoga and Ashtanga, I fell upon Gregor Maehle's books on Ashtanga. When I opened the book on the 2nd Series, it fell open to pps. 124 - 125, and a description of Supta Vajrasana and how it can get you deeper into Baddha Padmasana (Bound Lotus) because it works on the internal and external rotation of your thighbones. Hm. Coincidence? I think not. However, it clearly states that you should NOT perform Supta Vajrasana until you've mastered reaching your toes in Kapotasana without the help of a teacher. This will require the return of my cervical curve. Bingo. Serious renewed motivation. For the wrong reasons: for achievement of a pose. But it will heal my body if I move slowly, so is it really wrong...if it gets me there.

Besides all that, I finished singing the So Purkh for 11 days for my ex, and as I did so, I sent him a :-).

Fabulous Things Afoot

As the annoying Shower Saga continues, other things are happening that seriously take the edge off...such as the eating of blueberry muffins, teaching new classes, taking awesome pictures for profiles and bios, The Omega Tarot Conference with Lon Milo DuQuette, and new yoga poses I've never done before. I've just finished 11 days of chanting the Mera Man Loche too. But right now, Bound Lotus awaits. At 10:30 pm I am closing in on my dress turning to rags and loosing the glass slipper. I'd best get twistin'.

The Luck O' the Danish?

Well, I am a little Scottish. Ross Clan. By way of Andrews, and the permission of the Chief Ross of Ross in Edinburgh, but no Irish. Still, I need green energy. So I am planning on doing a visualization for 'green energy' and prosperity after I do Bound...like now. Maybe I can visualize so much green that my aura will be green, so I don't get pinched by any stray Leprechauns. Does it count if the green I am wearing is a spinach stain on my jacket?

I may not have a 'pot o' gold' when I'm done with all these Kundalini meditations, but I might have a 'Heart of Gold'. Myself and Neil Young, that is...as a student of mine said when we did the kriya by that name in class. Hokey all the way, that's me! I'm also bitchy, sweet, kind, and rapacious if someone fucks with me. There is a nasty little horror-film Leprechaun lurking under there that protects my space, my comfort zone and my livelihood. Like the new Alice in the movie with Johnny Depp, I do slay if a fire-breathing dragon is lurking in the mist. But, I am also a generous little Leprechaun hiding my pot o'gold and my green inside, waiting for the right person with a fist full of marshmallows. Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue stars and green clovers. The originals.

I am also still the pain-in-the-ass that as a child would lock myself in the pantry (it had a lock from the inside), and eat all of the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms Box, while my sister whined to my mom about it. I would just cackle to myself on the other side of the door. Passive-aggressive to the core, it was how I got back at her for being such a bitch to me sometimes. Anyway, I digress. The point is I am feisty and fun. I like my versatility. I think being a bitch when needed is a strong point, as is being kind.

And if my prosperity meditation pans out and I get more classes to teach, more money to spend and a potload of chocolate gold coins...I'll share.

Bound was Quietly Blissful...

...after a day of bitching about my shower. I felt wonderful this morning after a lovely meditation last night, preceeded by a heart-warming text message from a fellow brainwave traveler. Then, as I bounced out the door, my doorman asked me if I was feeling better today. He heard the bitching yesterday in the office over this five-year bogus potential-lawsuit-inducing idiocy involving my shower, the clueless maintenance man, black mold, pink mold, new carpet, damaged Persian rugs, a new toilet, a new shower wall, but ODdLy...the same old mother-fucking showerhead and handle. WTF!?!!!! I asked the doorman did he know the whole incredibly fascinating shower story, and if not did he want to hear it, along with a recount of all the rude and utterly inappropriate behaviour I've endured at the hands of the dreaded maintenance man. That shut him up. Thankfully. If he actually cared if I was having a good day...but I know he doesn't. Just an underhanded way of condescending.

So, Bound was lovely. Screw the bastards. They all have fewer brain cells than a styrofoam cup.

The most fabulous news comes on the heels of the ongoing shower saga...and that is that I will be teaching a Tuesday night class that I have wanted to teach, courtesy of a boss who is getting kinda sweet lately. Not so pissy. Or maybe it's me that is changing? Who knows. Anyway, at the end of the day I am happy.

Crying in Kirtan Kriya

Well that pretty much says it all. But...as I sang the Mera Man Loche I realized that I had been so lost in the moment of doing Bound Lotus earlier, that it took me that long to realize how easily my shoulders had opened. As I chanted the So Purkh, I found myself certain that I have forgiven the man I am chanting it for... When I began chanting it I asked myself if I could chant it for the man who stalked me and abused me: I think so. I asked myself if I could chant it for the sex addict I dated a few years ago whose obsession sent me to the hospital in screaming pain: I think so. Oddly, when I asked myself if I could chant it for the skinny little pasty white pissant motherfucker who cast a spell on me, and totally creeped me out with his bookshelf of Anton LaVey and Konstantino books: I thought, and still think, "No, I hate that bastard!" Given time, maybe. If I can forgive a rapist, a cult stalker and abuser, and a sex addict, maybe I can forgive a Satanist eventually. We'll see. Anything is possible after the Ides of March are over.

40 Days of Praanpathi Namo Namo meditation

Of course it goes without saying that I am still doing Bound Lotus. Yesterday and today. And yesterday I went to Guru Sandesh' class. The kriya was for 'Elimination'...both of physical as well as mental stuff. Then we meditated to the 'Humee Hum Bram Hum' mantra. As I left class, she said: "Sat Nam, Sweetie!" and I laughed because, even though she is not Southern, she is 20 years my senior, and she meant it to be kind. She's not 10 years younger than me and being a snot. So again, I laughed.

My lungs are pretty much clear, and I wonder if all of the coughing and trouble again in the last few weeks was due to my ego fighting the changes wrought with the Praanpathi Namo Namo meditation. It is meant to create and store prana at the juncture of C7 and T1, right where my spine was compressed, and to open the heart and shoulders. It has apparently done that. It feels so much easier to breathe and move my shoulders today...and with Sat Inder's help in class, more adhesions from the levator scapulae on my rib cage have been broken up. He calls himself an asshole yogi, and I'd agree he is an asshole, but a sweet and kind asshole. He fucks up sometimes just like the rest of us, and also is the fabulous person who can be very caring and giving.

Of course I deal better with assholes than bitches. Bitchy women (myself included) annoy the fuck out of me. While I am simultaneously feeling happy and still somewhat annoyed, it is nice to know that Yogi Bhajan, who appears to currently be my Guru from the Great Beyond, had a habit of occassionally cussing. I'm betting he didn't call anyone a dumb bitch (which quite frankly is a phrase I've used myself...just not out loud - so how does that make me better?), but he did call people idiots and nuts. We are all a bunch of big clueless idiots I guess. But nice idiots...

Too Much Ego In the Teaching of Yoga

If Yoga is truly a spiritual practice, where is all this competition and ego coming from? It's like we are all a bunch of rock stars and ego maniacs. Bosses putting on airs and talking down to their teachers. Playing one-upsmanship in terms of bragging about who has the least amount of time available to chit-chat because they are so busy teaching yoga, or whatever. Talking about how many years they've taught, how much more they know than you, and in that tone of condescension. Condescension everywhere! Hypocrisy too!

For one, when you talk and talk and talk about how important it is to think only positive thoughts and use positive words, what does it mean when you say to a student, "No, you dumb bitch." I don't care if there is no venom behind it, and it is 'only playing', or if said student 'says' she isn't offended...I saw the look on her face. She winced. For a split second, before she covered it up and smiled serenly. I'm all of for helping people rid themselves of 'trigger phrases' and hot buttons so that they can't be pushed...but really!

Ditto when teachers do things like tell a student how much more they know about yoga than the student, and how the student should therefore do what they say, while they are embarrassing the student in front of other students. Don't talk the talk. Walk the walk.

Ditto bosses trying to show how important their time is by feigning the inability to call you back, then getting upset when you yourself are actually really quite busy, and sending you snotty text messages to the effect of: "I'm not taking any more phone calls this evening, I need some silence. Goodnight dear." This is all after only recently having been trying to get in touch with you, and planning on talking. This is power-tripping because your employee is happening to have as busy as day as you claim frequently to have. And what's with this "dear" stuff?!? Unless you are Southern, referring to people as 'dear', 'darling', or 'sweetie' is questionably patronizing. Excuse me if I fired back to this particular boss: "That's fine. Take care sweetie." Don't call me dear.

Anne-Alice-a in Wonderland!

Right after I was born, from 4:57 am on September 28th until until the 31st, I was Annalisa. I still feel more like an Annalisa than a Heather, but my name was changed because my older sister's name was Karen Elisa, and Dad said they would get us confused. They did anyway. The theory was: mom was Danish and dad Scottish, so give my sister a Danish ancestor's name, and me a Scottish name. Dad still calls me Heather, and everyone else calls me Phoenix. Some people think it is putting on airs, but they don't know my life, or me. I have every right to change my name if I want to, and most people don't call others by their names anyway...so what's the fuss? The world really is a wierd place full of Dodobirds and hookah-puffing caterpillars. My mom used to say: "That guy is a real Dodobird!", meaning he is a dinosaur, and should be extinct with his out-dated and ludicrous beliefs in how the world should work.

I bet I could read "Alice in Wonderland" and find everyone of those characters in my life. Let's see...who would the Chesire Cat be? Mom! The White Rabbit? Dad. The caterpillar? I have some ideas... Tweedledee and Tweedledum? My ego and superego. The Mad Hatter? Yogi Bhajan. And I'm Alice trying to realize that I can be whatever and whoever I want to be.

72 Hours Since 'The Blue Pearl'...

I don't know if I did the meditation correctly, because I'm not really sure that I saw the Blue Pearl, but we'll see. No pun intended. But exactly 72 hours from when I did it will be at noon, when I have lunch with Judy at Byrd. If it is true that problems will start being solved without my doing a thing, I wonder if it will be because I am happy?

I read the Yogi Bhajan quote for March 11th, on the 2006 calendar that I have (the one that came in the mail out of nowhere just like the lone issue of Aquarian Times):

"Find happiness within you, find an attitude of gratitude. Be happy with what God has given you. Then all happiness will find you, because birds of a feather flock together. If you are happy, happiness will come to you, because happiness wants to go where happiness is."

But two more caught my attention as well:

"When you understand who and what you are, your radiance projects into the universal radiance and everything around you becomes creative and full of opportunity." (March 25th)

"There are two ways in life - 'Go and get it' - develop your physical body to go after things, or 'Be and get it' - develop your radiant body so that everything will automatically come to you." (February 4th)

Of course I am thinking of another adage about 'helping yourself' too...

What to do...what to do...

Do I accept the offer of a prime time Power Vinyasa class to teach, thereby increasing my income, and possibly my chances of taking KRI training...but then have to give up Nancy's Kundalini on Tuesdays? I guess I will go do Bound and think some more about it. I've been thinking all day...

Bound Lotus, Bound Lotus, Bound Lotus...

...and the 'Mera Man Loche' (2nd day) + the 'So Purkh'. While I have been madder than a hornet at the realization that an old relationship began with rape while I was unconscious, it was 10 years ago. The man responsible is not the same person, and though I initially did not want to pick up the phone today when he called...I did. He called right after I sang the Mera Man Loche to Heal the Wounds of Love, just like yesterday. Same scenario!

When I got off the phone I was coughing worse, but decided to sit and recite the 'So Purkh' to Heal Men of the desire for War and Power, and to come into their hearts. Since he used to be my partner, I sang it for him. I cried. Then I sat for Bound and went to Kundalini Yoga class. The set we did was for Tolerance. Nancy said, "Some of you are working on Tolerance," and I swear she glanced at me! Then she said it was one of the 3 virtues of Realization of Oneness, Tolerance and Compassion. I gave in and forgave him right there...

The coughing stopped. Wow!

MERA MAN LOCHE... and "The Blue Pearl" Meditation for Intuition

Whooooah! That is so freakin' cool!!!!!! I see orange everywhere with my eyes closed. My whole body is vibrating with energy...Wow, wow, wow!!!! I just sang the 'MERA MAN LOCHE' 11 times as part of the meditation to Heal the Wounds of Love, given by Yogi Bhajan in the summer of 1987. No wonder the CD cover is orange!!! Everything is orange...the color of the second chakra, where a woman's second heart is, the uterus, made as it is of smooth cardiac muscle. I wanted this CD, and then received it by serendipity from Sat Inder, because Spirit Voyage mistakenly sent it to him instead of the blue CD with the hokey, but sweet "Walking Up the Mountain" for the infamous Apple Kriya. Sweet!!

The 'Mera Man Loche' can heal the wounds of childhood abandonment, broken relationships, and inner pain that comes from the inability to accept and love ourselves as we are... I'm doing this for ten more days. Along with everything else! I also did 'Chakra Praan', which helps with asthma, but didn't do the mono diet the day before of orange juice and black pepper. I can feel a change anyway.

I don't want to stop pursuing Saul David Raye's Ritam Yoga style of teaching, or Anusara, or Yin, but Kundalini Yoga is changing my life soooo much!!!! And Saul has obviously done Kundalini Yoga, because he teaches very similar poses, and uses a lot of the mantras and music. I don't think everything has to be pigeonholed with Yoga...that is annoying to be boxed in to one track. That's not yoga, that's being trapped.

So I love what is happening with Kundalini Yoga, and will continue doing other forms and teaching them as well. But today I am just wowed by the orange light of 'Mera Man Loche', and the blue light of 'The Blue Pearl Meditation', which conveys the ability to have self-control when angry. Man, I needed this in a bad way when I was younger....According to the instructions, after doing this meditation, within 72 hours all of your "problems will start being answered for you without you doing a thing. That is how effective it is. All confused items in the past will start being solved." Yogi Bhajan goes on to say that "if you have done even three minutes correctly out of the eleven minutes, you have won the game." Tell me this doesn't sound like magick, or magic? But isn't the universe a truly magickal place? Let me try this and see if I fall down the rabbit hole...

Between 'Mera Man Loche' and 'The Blue Pearl' meditations I am so peaceful and calm, yet energized and very happy.

Yesterday, I began to cough even more since Tuesday when it had begun again due to being very upset, hurt and drained. My throat chakra is my weak spot. But also on Thursday and Friday I didn't sing all of the Aquarian Sadhana mantras, and felt a little like those French Catholic monks when the Vatican took away the plainchant. Yesterday, I didn't sing them at all. Today, after each meditation I completed I gradually felt better, but was still coughing...then I sang the full Aquarian Sadhana and the coughing just stopped. Tell me that doesn't sound magic, or magick; but this IS a magical universe. It is a very real dream. I'm dreaming in the cocoon of my body, dreaming in bed, dreaming in Bound, dreaming while meditating on the Blue Pearl at the tip of my nose. Don't ask me how it got there...it's magic!

BOUND by the BASIN

Sweet! Life is beautiful...and I will teach a great class today, and the student who is sexually harassing me, will get an earful today if he tries it again. No more disruption to the class and the energy with those crazy antics. No credit cards run down my shoulder, no hands in the pants, no beckoning fingers....just a wonderful class with everyone smiling, buzzing with energy from being centered, grounded, and in their hearts. Everyone will arrive early, chat happily with each other, spread the love, and smile!

Later, I'll come home, do Bound Lotus, my other meditations, walk in the park, do some laundry, and have a fabulous day myself. This is what will happen...

........................................................................

And it did! More or less...I did Bound in the park by the Basin, with raindrops sprinkling on my back, and some wind flipping my mat around, but right as I finished, just like magic, the sun came out! I was like: Woah!!!! That's fabulous.

In Keith's class, he actually put my right shoulder blade back where it belongs! No more 'broken wing'! Lunch with friends I really like, talking about Baptists and bee poop. A dude got on the elevator earlier, and stared at me way too long, so I stared back and made him get off the elevator ahead of me so he couldn't look at my ass. So funny. I'm done with rudeness. I expect politeness and appropriate behaviour. If people misbehave I will throw bee poop at them. Jackasses usually don't like sweetness, so honey is perfect.

Yeah! Oh...I didn't do laundry, but that was by choice. Instead I made ravioli with artichokes. Yum! A rather productive Sunday if I do say so myself.

Okay...

I take that back about 'smacking me with the skimming spoon'. Mm. It was more than a little exhausting listening to a friend grieve the end of a long relationship and be depressed, but I was happy to do so... What I don't have the patience or energy for is to listen to another friend WHINE about how horrible his houselenders are, how he has been an arrogant snot to them, and been rude to everyone at the company, and wonders why they won't listen to him (nevermind that they have screwed up his loan royally)...because he then even says that it would be nice if they foreclosed...then he wouldn't have to keep the stupid house, and who needs a house anyway, and his life has always sucked....and blah, blah, blah. I listened the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th times, but today I said no more! I mean, come on, I bitch too, but not all the time. Bitching is a by the minute lifestyle for him. He likes being miserable...so let him be.

After I told him I would not listen, I amazingly found the energy to finish Bound Lotus again, smile, read a book, and sleep like a baby....

WAHE GURU!

Holy Cow! I remember thinking I should wait to start Bound Lotus on the 5th of November 2009, rather than the 3rd, and so maybe NOW is when my life takes off!

Yesterday, late in the day for this early riser, two more instructors committed to the Community Classes at Byrd!

Then...I got up the nerve to talk to both of my bosses about teaching Benefit Classes to raise money for my $4'500 tuition at KRI!

Then, I sent an A Capella song clip to a friend who has done some work with Spirit Voyage, and afterwards, got the bright idea to call my friend Brad who leads Kirtan, and it turns out I was supposed to hook him up with my friend from Spirit Voyage! In the middle of our conversation, it occurred to me to ask about the logistics of creating an A Capella CD of chants to market for donations! Who knows! Great ideas, though...and if what Guru Singh says about the "ideas" that came to him through playing the 'Aap Sahai Hooaa' mantra constantly is any indication, then wow!!!! WAHE GURU!

Ditto, Sat Kartar's use of the 3 minute Subagh Kriya! So, in addition to having done it for the last three days, I taught it to my class last night!

Things are truly changing now...Truly! As Yogi Bhajan says: "Whenever a person sits for time in a posture, the universe comes to help that person!" This KRI Teacher Training will happen, I know it in my bones, and my friends will be lifted up with me!!! I can do this...with God's help and my teacher's. To quote Rumi from 'The Chickpea to the Cook': "Smack me with the skimming spoon! Boil me some more!...I have such a Teacher." Through his Grace I was led to Ammachi, through Ammachi back to Him.

I felt better just before 120 days of Bound Lotus, than I do now...

Could be the other Kriyas: Releasing Fear, Kirtan Kriya, Subagh Kriya, Aakhan Jor meditation, Sa Re Ga..., Praanpathi Namo Namo, Heart of Gold...well, probably not that one. Dammit! I'm doin' the Apple Kriya for Chrissakes!

................................................

"Keep Up! (Chardi Kalah)
Har, Har, Har, Har. Meditate on the Name.
As the tears of God's Love come to your eyes,
The Path will be revealed.
And you'll see God - Everywhere.

"Keep going! Keep up!
Keep walking...Slowly...
Effortlessly...Gracefully...

"Sing the Nam! The Music of the Spheres,
And keep on drinking
The Nectar essence of God!"
- from Furmann Khalsa

I'm in no danger of having an overblown ego

It is nice that a few people actually give a shit about the good things happening in my life! 121 Days of Bound Lotus...I could write more about how life-changing yesterday was, but I'd rather just finish my meditation and go to bed. Read a book. Books don't get moody and jealous. Good ones don't let you down, and they don't hog the sheets, snore, or behave thoughtlessly. Maybe I don't need to blog anymore...maybe I'll just keep a private diary. I'll get a parrot to keep me company, and teach him to say: "Congratulations! That is friggin' awesome!" About the Community Classes at Byrd. But why waste my breath? Do I really need other people's affirmations? ...Yeah. Yeah, I do. It's nice that a few people have, or care, or whatever. Kitty called yesterday to congratulate me. That meant the world to me in so many ways....

Nancy smiled wide when I told her I'd finished 120 days, so did a few other people. The rest either didn't care or didn't notice, or behaved like they'd been upstaged instead of being happy for a 'sister' coming more and more into the light.

I went to see 'Crazy Heart' again, with a friend who is ALWAYS negative...addicted to it like alcohol, and he justifies his pulling me down with the fact that I sometimes indulge in negativity...but that is just it; with me it is only sometimes. Like right now, I was coming back up and his constant, constant, constant, constant bitching makes me want to strangle him. If he weren't helping me financially I'd tell him he is a boor, and he is pulling us both down. Actually I think I will tell him. I could keep taking it if it weren't so friggin' constant.

So, in the movie a character quoted some lyrics I liked, and he didn't (doesn't surprise me as he loves the kind of darkness that is negative), but here they are: "Oh you mothers and you fathers, raise your children right, don't let the darkness take them, don't let them feel forsaken, lead them safely to the light." Sometimes there are just some people I'd like to not talk to anymore, and let them find their own way.

120 DAYS of BOUND LOTUS!!!!!

It takes 40 days to change a habit.
90 days to confirm a new one.
In 120 days the new habit is who you are!
It takes 1'000 days to master the habit...

So, I am now someone who does Bound Lotus every day to remove the obstacles on my path to living life more fully, intensely and happily! I still cannot do Full Bound Lotus, though my hips have opened beyond half-lotus on both sides, and my shoulders continue to open. Energetically, my throat chakra seems to be the major obstacle. Therein lies the problem. I do Praanpathi Namo Namo meditation to bring more prana to the 8th vertebra, in other words, the first Thoracic vertebra. This is where the entrance is energetically for the heart to receive life force.

Before I even fell on my head, I had lost my cervical curve. Completely. I have my disk space, miraculously, after living for years with the spine of an old, hunched woman, and fighting it by muscling my shoulders up. The new injury that occured last November 1st, also the anniversary of contracting mono, strep, and developing CFS in 2001, compressed C7 and T1. This cut off prana flow. My chiropractor, Dr. Bridget Brasfield, said yesterday that I can get my curve back completely if I work hard at it. If I am diligent.

After also developing 'tennis elbow' recently from too many chaturangas, I find that this, like the previous injury, brought older injuries to the forefront. For more than a decade I was doing repetitive motions that compressed my cervical vertebrae to a completely reversed curve and stressed my right arm constantly. It was not just a car accident in 1996 that did this to my spine. It was not just a car accident that made my knees so sensitive to pressure...it was being an exotic dancer from 1994 - 2008. Though I had a lot of fun in the early years before I became an alcoholic, Chronic! weed smoker, Opium addict, and Ecstasy user, as the years progressed I gradually almost destroyed my mental health, and the health of my body and spine. Working in the clubs was like walking the razor's edge. And sometimes, I still miss it.

The honesty of people working in that industry about what their motivations are was refreshing in a strange sort of way, even though many only wanted to see you suffer as much as they were. There were also many, many fun times, crazy days of throwing water balloons at each other, playing with Super-Soakers, and hilarious antics on-stage. It was fun! It was also damaging to my health in many, many ways...including respiratory with all that awful cigar and cigarette smoke. So many negative people and entities...But it was home...for a long time. And now it isn't. Now Yoga is home.

Last night was luminous...today a little dull

But, I still did Bound Lotus for the 119th day.