Monday, January 31, 2011

A Woman's Intuition

I think you do know, if you really, really listen to your intuition, when you are being schmoozed. Bamboozled by beautiful words and lilting melodies upon the same refrain: obsession with women's bodies at the peak of their bloom in youth, masquerading as heartfelt knowledge of the difficulties of being a woman or womanchild, but nothing more - truly - than objectification of women. Pure and simple. Beep! Fellow sex addict! Thank you for playing today...next!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

I am REAL.

It's all about becoming REAL, like the Velveteen Rabbit. To be loved so much that you fall apart in your realness, or become the material for a new life or consciousness.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A Lovesick Butterfly

Boy this sucks. Not so much the crush I have, but the dawning realization of what the real stinkin' problem is... If you have an addict of any sort, and you remove the addictive substance, and that is all you do, then you haven't really healed the addiction.

After completing 120 of Laya Yoga with the Ashtang Mantra on the 24th and finishing my blog about that: aphoenixrisesthroughlayayoga.blogspot.com... and still continuing Bound Lotus, I think the yoga is working! I can't hide from the Truth that glares at me now as I rise late from bed, not doing Sadhana. I know that in less than a week the 40 days of clearing for White Tantric Yoga at Winter Solstice will be finished. My psyche is scrambling like crazy! Trying to make me sick, making me cough and hack only during the day, hoping to make me stop. Stop Bound Lotus and the Fire Kriya, and the 3 meditations for the heart I chose: 11 minutes of So Hung with whistle breath, Sat Kartar for 7 minutes, and the one for a woman's heart arcline for 3 minutes. Instead of pills by my bedside, I have little doses of Kundalini Yoga for what ails me. And last night after Bound, while I laid sleepless in my bed after almost two weeks of obsessing over a man, it hit me. It hit me as I looked at a young woman's blog called: Diary of a Lovesick Butterfly. It hit me while I read Amazon.com excerpts from a book entitled "Lovesick: One Woman's Journey Through Sexual Addiction". It hit me when I got up to quietly listen to Macy Gray and Sophie B. Hawkins~

~~ the real reason I've been celibate (with the occasional at-home-contradiction-alone) since New Year's Day of 2008, is because I am, and have always been addicted to sex. I mean, gosh, when I went to work in the strip clubs in my 20s what was I really doing? Safe titillations for myself...AND the money. What really clues me in to the addiction is the fact that this current obsession of mine is all-consuming. I can't sleep. I lose my appetite for long stretches while the butterflies hover and flurry in my stomach like Monarchs stopping off on their way to Oaxaca.

And no wonder I got my boundaries crossed on New Year's Day this year by a health-care provider. I mean, gosh, yes, he's an addict himself, but, you know, addicts recognize one another. And I have, bottom line, inhibited my sex drive for almost four years! And to quote from an old Aquarian Times magazine:

"Anytime you have some sort of inhibition, anytime you start to repress something, you heighten it, like the tension in a spring."

Of course the repressed desire likely exudes from me, like a heady perfume. I'm like a siren calling out for help to a bunch of sex-addicted sailors...and no wonder they respond. My darker side, which is dark for me because in my mind I have made the desire for sex a darker impulse, is screaming out to be heard and loved. I've got a lot of work to do, and this painful realization sucks. No pun intended.

One last thing: I remember back in 2007, after one other round of almost two years of celibacy while working in a strip club, that one of the DJs congratulated me on keeping that vow. He said, "Wow! That's amazing! You are really working on healing yourself. I remember when you couldn't not have sex for one night!" All proud of myself, I beamed, and didn't really hear what he had just said. He'd called me on my addiction. I didn't know I had one. And then I promptly stopped being celibate just for the year 2007, only to date another sex addict.

Of course, I saw all his flaws and not mine. And when this other jackass tried to seduce me here recently on New Year's Day 2011, I saw his flaws, but not mine. Now that I 'think' I am in love with someone I have a horrible crush on, I see. I may yet love him. I know a little bit about him, and like him alot. BUT. I am also an addict who needs to heal.

Well, I better get cracking at the Yoga. It seems to work better than years of psychotherapy ever did...