Lotuses and Chakras

Part of the process seems to be looking upon one's internal monsters with dread. Much like many years ago when I was awakened at night with visions of floating and luminous blue faces, some horribly disfigured, I have been seeing, in my reactions, parts of myself which are necessary to be whole; yet in my rejection of them, they have distorted into disfigured emotions. The past inability to firmly speak up for myself and others long ago distorted into rage, and it is resurfacing, through outward events, to be transformed. This "work" is not all Chakras and Lotuses. The process of moving from extremes of emotion, and through some confusion, may appear to the uninitiated as if one is a pinch crazy. What do they truly know of this internal process in their state of fear?

There really was nothing left to do but sit last night. The act of sitting in Bound Lotus has brought up deep-seated resentments and anger, rage and vitriol. To respond with these emotions to the situations of life, rather than a carefully cultivated calmness is part of the process. Once I sat for Bound Lotus last night, I knew there was truly no other way to get relief from my misery. 'A hair of the dog that bit me', if you will. And it was and is true. After Bound Lotus my rage and disgust, my indignance and frustration, softened into a peaceful enough state that I could sleep.

Today I am inexplicably filled with grief. I've been crying all day. I miss my mother terribly. I hate winter. Though this feels temporary it doesn't make it any less painful. I don't want to sit in Bound Lotus, I just want to curl under the covers and eat soup. I'm coughing a lot. I usually do when grief comes up, or I catch a cold, or both. It is difficult to breathe. No wonder I don't want to do Bound Lotus.

Finally, finally I go to sit in Bound Lotus and grab my phone to set the timer. After seeing a text message about Snatam Kaur, who sings the Ray Man Shabd, I cry all over my phone. I couldn't send a text back for a second and was afraid that my tears had ruined my phone, but it's fine...I was just crying to hard and fast to see straight. The crying got my coughing started again, and so I went to take the cough capsules my accupuncturist and Chinese herbalist gave me. I noticed that the primary ingredient is - get this: snake's gall bladder. That gives me an entirely different perspective on Kundalini Rising.

Bound Lotus was pure bliss, and no pain, no itching. I cried a little on my pillow in front of Ammachi's picture, and felt as if all this pain that came out of nowhere just lifted. Why did I wait so long? The pose WAS my only refuge at Ammachi's feet, beneath the Sri Chakra. The last thing I have to do before I go to bed is to say the 108 Names of Divine Mother and the Lalita Sahasranama. I've done that every day since July 6th, when I last saw Amma, only missing once: November 19th, my Baptismal anniversary. With this done I feel at peace for the first time since I woke up.