Last night, when I taught my Monday evening class and subbed another class, I felt extremely grounded afterwards. Not only that, but I felt that since I was very spacey as I began teaching, I would just allow the energy to flow through me and be a conduit for whatever came through. As a result, the classes felt very inspired, and the students said so. I still don't want to teach my Monday class anymore because it will be almost impossible to find a sub for it during the winter. I'm not interested in wrecking a car I can't replace. I also don't like teaching classes where the students are typically unresponsive and barely say 'boo' to me. It's draining, and makes me feel like a servant. Yet I did find that last night's two classes were very rewarding to teach. It was a welcome relief to feel like somebody, after feeling insignificant to my aunt, made fun of by my accupuncturist's husband and business partner, and manipulated and used by a now ex-friend.
Though teaching last night grounded me, I still feel that my energy is way low; no pun intended, since in TCM 'Wei Chi' is protective chi. I'm planning on doing a crystal layout on myself sometime this morning before the day gets going, or else in the evening. That is, of course, in addition to Bound Lotus. And then at some point I need to get somebody to put the Ray Man Shabd on my iPod so I can take it to Florida with me. There is no way I could do Bound Lotus for 31 minutes without it. None.
Today alone, I suppose because I feel so tired and run down, it was mentally excruciating. I'm back to having near panic attacks. No dissociating today. I've come to the conclusion that my aunt is just funny - wierd, and my 'ex-friend' is a narcissistic sociopath. What else do you call someone who sounds like Willem Dafoe as he says, "Well, honey, I was just offering you a 'special' brownie. Hey, I thought you might like one." It sounds an awful lot like years ago when it was, "Hey, I know your trying to quit weed, but I just got this great purple stuff in," or, "Well, you may be fed up with me, and I know I can be an asshole, but you don't really want to lose your supplier do you?" Or, "Hey, I know you are trying to quit drinking, but did you drink any of that champagne I bought you for your birthday?" And last but not least, "Well of course you feel drained after sex with me, because there isn't any love."
But he's asked my advice on yoga classes and yoga mats now, said he wanted to come take a class with me, says maybe we'll go to a class together at some point, and then, probably because unzipping his pants in front of me didn't get him anywhere, he calls to tell me he went again to yet another yoga class, but with a girl. Probably the same girl he left to take to dinner after a walk in the park with me. When he disappeared from view for several months, I never should have gone knocking. He's been sabotaging my ass for years, and in reality, just like Led Zeppelin sings: It's nobody's fault but mine...for letting him do it.
Here's my new vow: no more falling in love with narcissistic, sociopathic, sadomasochistic, vampiric power hungry freaks who like to watch women squirm and pine away for them for years and treat them like dirt. I deserve so much better. I'm sexy, smart, kind, loving, intelligent, and sometimes hysterically funny, or so I'm told. He can go catch the slow boat across the river Styx.
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