3rd Day of White Tantric and The Blind Walk

Yes, well, Bound Lotus was definitely difficult. More later. I'm quite tired.

Today is the third day of White Tantric Yoga. I am partnering with a guy named Leland, and he is very shy. Most of the exercises today were for 62 minutes, a few for 31. They were hard. Each is done seated in Easy Pose, with a repetitive movement of the arms for the duration. Many require constantly looking into the eyes of your partner, even if they are crying in grief and agony welling up from deep inside. The deep release I found practising with Jiwan Shakti does not seem possible today.

For lunch we have our Tantric burgers that are so delicious, and prepare for two more exercises, and then the Blind Walk for 3 hours! At first I look forward to this, surrendering to walk with 10 others in a line, with a leader, but within 5 minutes I'm angry. This bastard behind me keeps yanking my arm out of it's socket, and every time I try to shift my hand he grabs it in the same grip again, only tighter. I want to scream: "You goddamn fucking control freak let me go!!!!!!!!!!" Finally I do say politely: "You need to let go a little bit of my hand. I have a neck and shoulder injury." This has no noticeable effect. Eventually I say it again, and he snaps: "I'm barely touching you!" since we are standing and waiting for someone to pee, I let go his hand and fold my arms over my chest. One of the monitors tries to get us to hold hands again. I refuse, so they moved me between two other people. This works out wonderfully, except that we are walking for three hours! I am weak, exhausted, and aware that normally a Blind Walk is only for one hour.

When we get back to the main circle and the Water Tent, we are almost done, do I raise my hand to go and pee. After coming out of the porta-potty, I stand there waiting, and no one comes for me. Finally I open my eyes and see that my group has gone. I feel like the picture of myself at age 4, in the fields on top of Grandfather Mountain, crying in my little red dress. Another monitor sees me, and shrugs her shoulders. I've opened my eyes now, and I'm deeply hurt and angry. Livid with rage. Angry at my mother for getting cancer and leaving me, and us.

I stomp off toward the lake. Once I think I am out of earshot, I scream at the top of my lungs. I scream again and again and again. A woman on the lake hears me and answers back in pity which I hate her for intensely. I find my way to the black mesh fence that encloses the camp, and barely hidden from view is a large, vaginal-like opening that looks to be created on purpose. I hesitate, then step through to the other side.

Over here it feels lonely and empty. I feel completely alone. Cut off from people and God. The vibe is tangibly different. I walk around for a little, contemplating walking deeper in, just to let God know I'm angry. Then I realize that I'm only hurting myself. I come back through the opening, but I don't feel reborn. I feel lost...and very sure that I will never pass this way again nor ever, ever, ever come to another Solstice.