I found an old article in the January 2003 issue of Yoga International on making promises to the 'Self'. To a Hindu this is called a 'vrata', and it is a sacred promise, not to be broken. I've had trouble, lately, with sticking to the letter of my vow of celibacy and the Vaishnodevi Puja. On the tail-end of the 3rd 16-week practice every Friday, I've not only allowed myself to kiss someone passionately several weeks ago, but I was unable to stick with the fruit juice fast yesterday. I felt so sick to my stomach after talking to my 'aunt', who is a bit of an emotional vampire, and also from realizing I can't associate with my ex anymore, that I needed more sustenance. But I have a guru, Ammachi, and she has promised to help me if I stumble. When I did Puja last night, it was beautiful; I felt the energy and the blessings of Amma. I am completing the practice to the best of my ability.
However, practices such as Bound Lotus, by their nature must be strictly adhered to...even if I falter and my guru sends her blessings, if I miss a day AT ANY POINT on this 1,000 day journey, I must start again from scratch. Today is the 40th day. 40 days is how long it takes to change a bad habit. More devoted yogis than I have made it to day 39 of a 40-day practice and faltered. Were I to do so, it would be the equivalent of letting the soufle fall, or burning the perfect risotto. This is no 'tahdegh'; no burning allowed. In the alchemical kitchen this dish must be cooked to perfection.
In Joscelyn Godwin's "Harmonies of Heaven and Earth", he compares God to a great alchemist, turning to the analagous words of the Hermeticist, the language of the Golden Dawn magicians:
"Let us now expand the alchemical analogy used in the last chapter to a macrocosmic scale, and cast God - that is, God the Creator and Demiurge, not God the Absolute, which has no hand in history - in the role of the Alchemist. The entire human race , body and soul, is then his 'Prima Materia'. In this raw first matter lies hidden the seed or spark of divine light that, if properly cultivated, can come into manifestation as the philosopher's Stone or the Tincture, able to transmute every metal into gold. Thus the human race might, if the experiment succeeds, become the agent for the transmutation of the whole Earth, and even more.
"The alchemist is the most patient of men. Day in, day out, he works on the substance which he has gathered with such care: feeding it, cooking it, reducing it to a dry powder and revivifying it with dew and the extracts of green plants. He is always attentive to the configuration of the stars and planets; always he is praying. Sometimes he has to wait a whole year for the right season to arrive for a certain procedure; at other times he must seize the hour and minute, or all will be lost.
"...Every morning there is something for the alchemist to do in the laboratory. Every night, when the day's work is over, oblivion descends. Some days are simple repetitions of what was done the day before, and this may persist for months on end. On other days things move faster; the contents of the alembic may suddenly be transformed before his very eyes.
"The work done on such a day will leave the material forever challenged. These are the red-letter days, marking the stepwise progress of the Great Work. One day, when putrefaction occurs, as it must, the whole thing becomes a fetid, stinking mess. Yet by diligent washing, and gentle cooking, this horrid and depressing sight will change into something glitteringly white, over which the 'Peacock's Tail' may flash with it's unearthly play of colours, and from which a sweet perfume may rise. Can one not conceive of civilizations and cultural periods - days in the life of mankind - which correspond to all of these stages?"
Reading this, I first think of Gabriel Garcia Marquez' "One Hundred Years of Solitude" , then I reflect on how, in some ways I still think some parts of my psyche are still a horrid, fetid, stinking mess, while others are as pristine and clear as a flawless diamond. I think of Jimmy Page sitting in his house in the 70s, probably working The Sacred Magic of Abramelin, and quite frankly, I don't see a difference in the cooking process, just the result: he seemed to have been trying to turn 'Led' into gold/money, whereas I would ultimately like to transmute my soul into a golden light. I want my aura to be so huge that people who truly want refuge can find the safety there that they need, in order to begin their own journey. I would like to help others as I have been helped. My aura has just been a little fucked up lately...
Too much talking with people who seem to create entropy around them. As a friend said: If you hang around shit you can't smell it. At least for now...I will be gone, gone, gone beyond, gone to the other shore. Today I sit and it is a struggle against intense anxiety and doubts about the practice. One day, someday, though, like the poet Rilke I will be able to say with a knowing that is not knowing: "We are the bees of the invisible..."
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