I think of how hurt I was by people who were only there for the good times, and disappeared when my mother got sick, when I got sick, when I fell into addiction and asked for help, gasping for air, literally, as I did so. The people, like boyfriends, who couldn't be bothered to help me as I projectile vomited from food poisoning, or even buy jello for me. The boyfriends who couldn't come to the hospital and see me, when stricken with mono AND strep, as I lay in a hospital bed on IVs and a catheter. The boyfriends who left me quite literally raw from their sex addictions who were angry with me because I screamed as it hurt to pee, and wasn't ready to have sex again quickly enough for them. The so-called girlfriends who responded by saying "Well at least you have a guy, I don't." The male 'friend' who watched a friend of his almost destroy me mentally, who watched other male friends of his decide I was a bitch because I wouldn't sleep with them, who watched his father grab my ass, who banished me from Christmas at their house because I spoke up about it, who watched a teacher friend of his unprofessionally hit on me and touch me, who said he couldn't understand why all this happened to me because, as he said, I'm just not that pretty. With friends like these...
I'm reading Bolen's "Close to the Bone" again, and coming across the description of 'Integrating Erishkegal', I smile. I have already wielded the power I gained during my last trek through the underworld. I've banished everyone in the list above from my life. Now it remains to forgive them. To use the word 'them' seems so uncolorful. There are so many other ways to describe them. It isn't banishing them anymore that's the problem, it is banishing the part of me that wants to continue hating them all with a vengeance. The part that never wants to forgive my grandmother for the sexual abuse, that relishes seeing her as the Wolf in a grandmother's nightgown to my Little Red Riding Hood. It's ironic that I had a little red coat. Ironic that I trust women more than men.
But what is even funnier - no simply UNCANNY - is how dead on the title of this post was today: One of those old 'friends' I mentioned having cut out of my life, well, actually, they disappeared and I went looking for them like an idiot about a little over a month ago. I should have just thanked my lucky stars they were gone from my life. But no. Today I was witness to that same person trying very discreetly to make me jealous by letting me know there are women who he doesn't have to wait for them to finish their vow of celibacy like me. A month ago he tried to tempt me to break the vow. He isn't capable of waiting until January 1st. That is less than a month away. What a small child.
Not only that, he tried to offer me something I used to be addicted to. It wouldn't be the first time. Misery does love company, doesn't it? So I did something today I never would have done in the past. After a peaceful and deeply healing Bound Lotus, and a movie, I did my Banishings, a few other invocations, and such. Liber Vel Reguli. And guess what? My coughing stopped immediately!!! So much cool air came rushing into my lungs! What an energy drain he was...
This morning while skimming Bolen's book I passed a section on how, in order to stay well, sometimes certain people need to be let go. And of course, Led Zep's song "That's the Way" has been playing in my head for days ... the words: 'I don't know how I'm gonna tell you I can't play with you no more..." I really was "A Fool in the Rain" the day I drove to his house in the rain listening to that song in mid-October. He is gone but not forgotten. I'll be kind when I see him, but I'm done. He hasn't changed, and finally, after ten years I can say he never really was the love of my life. People who deserve that moniker would never treat someone the way he has me. I'm glad it only took me ten years to realize it, and not twenty. For that matter, I'm glad I fell on my head.
No comments:
Post a Comment