This is so difficult. I feel so angry and frustrated with the women in my seva group. So bitchy and judgemental. Cliqueish. Boorish. I feel like kicking their asses. Sooooo angry. Angry at my mother for taking the easy way out of life...I can finally say she is a hypocrite, having scolded me for trying to commit suicide at 16, and then doing it herself 13 years ago. I wanta scream: "Hypocrite! Liar!"
I'm tired. Sleep-deprived. We worked for 10 hours in the rain yesterday. I just blubber my way through Bound Lotus, and use up a half roll of tissue. I'm in agony mentally. Grief-stricken. I feel like beating people up. I don't like these feelings. I want to get out of Bound Lotus, but I also want to stay in it and deal with these issues. Keith wants me to come to sadhana and burn up this stuff. This is scary and painful, but I want to grow...
By 11am I was chatting happily with some of my co-workers, and had succeeded in shutting out the reality of this one woman who was dragging me down and trying to hook into my energy. Such a Piscean attitude. But I know why she's here. I talked with a girl about 'Ringing Cedars' from Siberia, and some books on Anastasia. Then she asked me if I like chocolate, and told me that she heals people with chocolate. She makes it with raw chocolate, lacuna (?), essential oils like ylang-ylang, honey, chili and she grinds the chocolate for hours while chanting over it. She gave me a piece, and I just wanted to smell it. Then I ate it, and I felt so amazing! My coughing stopped for hours and I felt as high as a hot air balloon! Some guys from Chattanooga came in and brought chocolate too...homemade as well, with goji berries, coconut, hemp seeds... Fabulous! I feel so much better. Pritam Hari, our team leader, was so funny too...making me smile all day long. And after the rain, a double rainbow came out! This is year of the Water Tattva. Powerful healing for emotional issues.
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