Yesterday was truly awful, but today is a little better. I have some energy back, and I used it to make a big pot of Yogi Tea, or 'WaheGuMoo' as they labeled it at Solstice. It is so nice. I can't believe I was able to do Bound Lotus last night! Or even the Moon Kriya and the chanting of "akhan jor chupay na jor". I wanted to do the Kirtan Kriya for women too...maybe I can start that today.
This particular kriya can cleanse a woman's aura and subconscious of past sexual experiences. According to Hari Kaur Khalsa in "A Woman's Book of Yoga":
"Each act of sexual intercourse deeply imprints itself upon a woman. You are the receiver of the seed, and even though the act of sex may end, it remains in your psyche as an imprint, like an image imprinted on the film of a camera. The male gives the seed to the woman, and when intercourse is over, he does not carry as deep an imprint on his psyche. Many women have difficulty healing after negative sexual experiences because their pain becomes so deeply rooted."
She also says:
"Kirtan Kriya is the meditation for both for balancing your eleven Moon Centers and for helping you go through transitions with strength and stability. The first version is specifically for women... Kirtan Kriya is also a healing meditation for women trying to let go of past relationships with men, and is helpful in eliminating both the physical and mental associations with these men. Kirtan Kriya can give a woman a brilliant internal radiance that illuminates her aura and presence."
Somehow I don't think this Kriya is gonna happen. I'm freaking out. I can't breathe again, and my eyes have turned red. Watching the movie "Chocolat" I started to hyperventilate when Josephine left her husband. I felt as if I was on fire, burning, tied up, with no way out, panicking, and I wanted to just die. I heard myself moaning, as if my body were someone else's. I wanted to leave my body and just die the way a friend's stepfather with cancer just did before they ever put the port in for chemo. He left his body. He didn't have to go through chemo and feel the burn of radiation like my mother, he just slipped away. I want to slip away not from life, but from this pain. Bound Lotus is sheer Hell. I've done it. And now all I want to do is cry, but I can't or I won't be able to breathe. My nose and lips are raw and cracking. Nothing but constant pristine white mucus and cobwebs to breathe through.
The only thing that has brought some measure of relief is a Kundalini meditation for Emotional Balance where my hands are pressed under my armpits, and my shoulders hunched forward and pulled up to my ears. The grief and pain I'm experiencing are overwhelming and this is my only relief. Sat Inder says this is what White Tantric Yoga brings up to be released. Oh my God, please help me make it through. I can't even worry about work or appointments, or teaching right now. Thank God I don't have to until next week.
"the light of the sun or the moon, seen in a place from which they are invisible and one cannot discern the source of light; a place only partly illuminated by such light, and the various material effects derived from it; the penetration of such light into places where it becomes uncertain and obstructed, and is not easily made out, as through a cane brake, in a wood, through half-closed shutters, etc., etc.; the same light in a place, object, etc., where it does not enter and strike directly, reflected and diffused by some other place or object, etc., where it does strike; in a passageway seen from inside or outside, and similarly in a loggia, etc., places where the light mingles, etc., etc., with the shadows, as under a portico, in a high, overhanging loggia, among rocks and gullies, in a valley, on hills seen from the shady side so that their crests are gilded; the reflection produced, for example, by a colored pane of glass on those objects on which the rays passing through that glass are reflected; all those objects, in a word, that by means of various materials and minimal circumstances come to our sight, hearing, etc., in a way that is uncertain, indistinct, imperfect, incomplete, or out of the ordinary.
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