"They won't care how much you know, until they know how much you care"

The day before yesterday, when I was at my sickest, I called someone I know who's stepfather just died of cancer. I listened attentively over the phone because I DO care. I know what it feels like to lose someone to cancer. I did not offer advice. What advice does she need? Just an ear to hear her. I couldn't hug her physically because she could conceivably have caught the physical illness side of what is going on with me. So I listened. I took the time. I can listen, but you have to ask.

No advice. I too have spent my life wanting other people to know how much I know, afraid that without my intelligence I am nothing. That is neither rational nor intuitive. It isn't being kind to myself or anyone else. Dad reminded me yesterday, when I said I realized I was a Know-it-all just like my friend: "They won't care how much you know, until they know how much you care."

Bound Lotus was so easy last night. The day before was the most excruciating it has ever been, and yesterday the easiest. I forgot to sit up and do the half-bind. The pain turned into bliss, albeit a soft, quiet kind of bliss. Today, after lots and lots more sleep, I feel even better...I've just been in the crucible burning up dross as an alchemist would say...it happens. It is part of life. A friend from Luggage Seva at Solstice said, when I apologized for not being able to pull my weight and being a little bitchy, that it is no worries. Life has it's ups and downs. Every day can't be blissful. When I took my first Reiki attunement, I needed that constant bliss so much to heal. When I asked my Dad why he wouldn't to be blissed out every day, he said: "Because that isn't real life."

Real life has pain and joy both. Some days are better than others. Today is better than yesterday. Yesterday I had a fabulously wonderful conversation with one of my bosses, but I was still sick. It didn't change that. It did make me smile though. We laughed. I coughed. I pulled the phone away from my mouth so I wouldn't blow her eardrums out. Today's a little better.

Bound Lotus was almost as easy as yesterday, and I find myself wanting to get back into the swing of my magickal practices that I left behind while at Solstice. Yogis get a little to airy, and my practice of Banishings and The Middle Pillar and The Rose Cross keep me grounded. I think I should not have stopped doing them. With a little more perspective behind me, and some dissillusionment, I think I shall continue being my happy combination of semi-Hindu and Pagan. For one thing, I'm not into wearing white all the time. But the physical yoga practices are very healing. Like Saul David Raye, I pick and choose. I resonate most strongly with his style of teaching; it allows me to fully integrate all the different parts of myself, including the sensual side that doesn't seem to fit with the Sikhs and Kundalini Yoga.

I've been thinking I don't need anyone else's advice about how to be who I am. What works for them may not work for me. So as I go into the New Year, I'll take my cue from Queen Victoria: listen to suggestions but make my own decisions.