Black is Beautiful!

I'll be wearing all this 'white' at the Kundalini Winter Solstice, and I have to say I'm a little indignant that I can't wear black or dark colors. It's the only thing about this whole trip that really bugs me, or 'flies me', so to speak. My wardrobe consists of predominantly black and dark colors. This presents a problem financially.

And black is also a protective color, a beautiful color. It is a color associated with the godess Kali Ma, who, like the saint Ramakrishna, I love. Not only that, but the living Hindu saint Ammachi, whom I am a devotee of, is supposed to be a living incarnation of Kali. (Irregardless of what 'Jack' thinks he knows...) Not that her devotees wear black; they don't. But it is only the Westerners who wear their 'Whites' as they call them. That and the female bhramacharinis. The bhramacharyins, the male renunciates, wear the ochre and gold robes. If I can't wear black, I'd prefer turmeric thank you. In white I feel like a damn bride. And I'm not the least interested in getting married, nor for that matter, in having sex. But that is a whole 'nother matter. Yes, I'm bitter about men thank you. Straight ones, that is. Crap. I'll have to gaze into the eyes of a strange man during White Tantric Yoga, I guess. I'm not liking that. And I don't like the fact that I don't like it either. It's this internal war going on inside me. One side of me loves men, the other despises them. I love my gay Yoga teacher. He poses no threat. I love Jimmy Page. Some people thought he looked like a girl back in the day, and he is rather feminine. It's macho men I don't like. Just like my mother.

Men who are in touch with their feminine side, like gay men, like straight men such as Saul, Jimmy Page, men I haven't met yet, who don't belittle the feminine, who see it as a strength. You know, in the yinyang symbol black IS the feminine color. Nuff said. On to "The Lotus".

I did an hour of Yin, while chanting my mantras. I did an hour of Saul's Ritam Yoga to B-Tribe's 'Sensual Sensual' album. After all, Saul did say to treat the moving meditation and worship of the Divine as something sensual. Not sexual. Not in the sense that our Western culture means it - but: Sensual: 'in love with life'. It feels good to move and enjoy my body without worrying that some man is going to think how the way I move will benefit him. It feels good to sensually enjoy the movement. Following the "drill" of Ashtanga Yoga the way 'some' people teach it in St. Louis is, apparently, not my thing; it also isn't healing my neck and back after the injury...Saul's Ritam Yoga is. And it is the warm-up to Bound Lotus for me today.

In the Lotus, removed one pillow, bringing my head closer to the floor. In the pose my belly nearly touched the floor. It isn't for lack of trying that I can't fully bind my arms. In the last five minutes on each side, I was able to come up into full lotus without pain and bind with one foot. This is a first! And only 32 days in, I believe. I feel fabulous. While I didn't do the practice this morning, I did it before 4 pm. Before my ritual Friday puja for Vaishnodevi, the manifestation of Kali, Lakshmi, and Saraswati. The principles of change, abundance and creativity.

I was worried that it would not feel right to do puja without all of the accoutrments, even though Amma says mental worship is the most exalted. I see why one starts with all the physical props, because it imprints the visual on your memory. In preparation for going to Florida and having to do the entire practice mentally, I did not have fruit or flowers to offer...just the cooked food, honey, milk and ghee, the flame for the Aarti, and a bathing plate for the deity. Having to visualize the offering of flowers enhanced my concentration, and it seemed as if the light on the room was visibly stronger.