All last night, while in the midst of coughing up thick white mucus, and getting up several times just to breathe, I dreamed I was doing several Kundalini Yoga sets in this order: Chanting the "akhan jor chupay na jor" with the hand movements I'd just read about before bed on www.satyasingh.com/fromfeartolove, doing the recommended Moon Kriya for processing the openings from Winter Solstice and the Water Tattva, and Kirtan Kriya (p. 63, "A Woman's Book of Yoga"), a meditation to balance a woman's eleven moon centers: Hairline, Ear Lobes, Inner Thighs, Belly Button/Back, Back of Neck, Lips, Cheeks, Breasts, Eyebrows, Vagina, and Clitoris. I woke up wanting very much to have two things: freedom from breathing difficulties and throat chakra issues, and a Gurmukhi spiritual name from 3HO. I got up and found my birth certificate, which it turns out I did not need, and signed up online. In 2-3 weeks I should know... I noticed there is a name that sounds like my legal birth name, and then Lakshmi and Saraswati are both names that could be given. Adi Shakti is one I love too, but I'm sure whatever name I receive will be a blessing and be appropriate for me.
I think I'll go and do the Kriyas in the order in which they were in my dream, followed by Bound Lotus, and begin my day in love and light and happiness even though I feel quite sick. I slept from 9 to 1am, then 2:30 to 5:30 am, and 6:30 to 7:30 am. It is a total of 8 hours, which is more than I got most days at Solstice, and my sleep was choppy then too because of the coughing. I really want my lungs to be clear and to breathe smoothly. I'm not wanting to whine, but why do I have to have such severe throat chakra issues? It keeps myself and other people awake, and is socially isolating. It sucks. Besides that, my throat is just almost raw to the point of bleeding. I want to breathe!!!!!!!
Today is sheer Hell!!! I'm sick as a dog. Sat Inder called about doing Sat Nam Rasayan and possibly a Reiki attunement, and he seems to think I just need to get outside, "out of my cave", as he says. The hell I do. I've got chills, a fever, the flu, full-blown and raging by now, I'm on my period, and I have a splitting migraine. The cold air outside makes me cough, and that makes my head feel like someone is whacking it with a machete. I feel like shit. Complete and utter shit. I hurt everywhere... my muscles ache, almost excruciatingly - it feels like I have Chronic Fatigue (myalgic encephalitis) and Fibromyalgia all over again! This SUuuuuCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want this...I don't want to sit in Bound Lotus.
It is now 10:23 pm, and after calling my dad and asking him to hold me in his prayers that I may get well AND do Bound Lotus on day 56 and not have to start all over again, I have done it. I had the worst panic attack and intense anxiety I've ever had, wailing and screaming in pain and sheer mental agony. I thought I'd stopped breathing. I shook uncontrollably and fought off the intense urge to vomit. It is done now, and the peace I feel tells me that part of the resistance was purely psychological, with the raw parts of my mind resisting being touched, but I'm still sick. My head still hurts and I have a fever. Still. Winter Solstice was too intense. It was too hard. Too much. I feel like a butterfly trapped in a cocoon of pain.
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