Day 101...

...and what happened on November 5th, 1974. I was seven years old. I developed asthma because I was told not to cry or talk about what my mother's father did on that day. He took me down into his basement workroom where he did woodworking, making dollhouses and his nick-nack shelves, and he did something to me. I can't be sure what it was, but it involved some kind of abuse, molestation or rape. It is possible that it was oral. No wonder my grandmother was protective of me and practically smothered me. Now I know why she touched me, to see if he had hurt me. But by 18, I was still a virgin. After that day though, November 5th, 1974, I was never allowed to go down in the basement with grandpa anymore. Grandma would see him shuffling off with me and come running to say she needed me to pick raspberries. Always raspberries. I told her. She made me promise not to tell. It would be our secret she said. Because if Mom or Dad knew, they would not bring my sister and I to visit anymore. So when I woke up in the middle of the night, and came down to the kitchen past her bed next to grandpa's on a rollaway, she would have me crawl in with her, and squeeze me to death out of fear that he would touch me again. She'd married a man who was an abuser, but the pillar of his community. A man who was an abuser, just like her stepfather. He was supposed to save her, and he betrayed her trust and mine. I thought these next few days leading up to the completion of 40 days Releasing Fear while meditating to "Aadays Tisai Aadays" were significant for another reason, Because February 17th, 2005 is significant, and it is, but this is more so... No wonder I felt I should have waited to begin Bound Lotus on November 5th, instead of the 3rd. It was the day my life changed forever. November 5th, 1974. And now, on February 11th, the day after 100 Days of Bound Lotus, and the day after the 5th anniversary of my stalker purchasing my domain name and taunting me with it, I know why I cried so hard in meditation yesterday morning. I know why I was even more sensitive to the rudeness of one of my boss' new employees...

I know why I awoke from a dream where a Spanish lady asked me if I remembered what happened on November 5th, and why I woke up howling in my sleep with grief, saying out loud what had happened to me for the first time in 36 years.