"Any way that doesn't keep you on the edge, keep you moving and growing and changing, is not really a way, but a trap." - Gabrielle Roth, 'Maps to Ecstasy' (p. 185)
I was blown away by Jan's class today. I told her I was coming and she made the theme around expanding to your inner light, and working on the shoulders and neck. I felt so much tightness in my shoulders release! Her adjustments were dead on, and she really helped me. I couldn't believe it a few days ago either when she called to see if I could sub her Tuesday class. She'd already found someone by the time gmail sluggishly got the message to me, but just the fact that she would ask is an honor. Anusara is pretty detailed on alignment, and I'm eager, but very green and new. I can see how Anusara will help get my cervical curve back, and I'm in awe.
On top of that, when class was over, and a couple of people I know got started on the subject of funerals, the Western culture's inability to accept death, a friend's recent death of his grandfather, the fact that a student of mine, a cellist, no less, died of a heartattack (I think around the time I was 'inspired' to listen to Jacqueline du Pre and read "The Cellist of Sarajevo"), and the upcoming anniversary of my dead mother's birthday, I could talk with them, and talk about all of this and stay oddly bouyant. I didn't drown in the misery and depression that was getting conjured up by all of us to be released. I could talk about my mother's Stage IV CUPS cancer and her death with an objective but compassionate view, and listen to these friends talk about the world as a painful place they want to escape from...I still seem to have issues with anger, but their issues with depression and grief didn't suck me in, and I could hear it and be present while not agreeing with their assessment of life. I think it is safe to say: I'm a Tantrika. I love life. I'm not looking for a get-out-of-jail free pass, and I think that life is NOT a trap, but a precious gift. That is why I love Wim Wender's "Wings of Desire". I think we are all 'fallen angels' who came here to experience the beauty of the world, it's rich colors and lovely sunsets, along with all the pain, war and misery. We came for love. That's what I think. And for the experience of life.
So much is happening! I've been able to carry on conversations with people and not sound pedantic, or wierd. More of a social life than I've had in years with people I actually like too. People who are good and kind and want to read books, things like "The Tao of Pooh", and not the grocery store tabloids. I was wondering for years where all the people I actually had something in common with were...
Since the Anusara Immersion, my head and lungs and heart are clearing from all the junk White Tantric Yoga brought up at Solstice. It is nice not to sound tubercular. New friends. Old friends from high school on the facebook account that I finally set up...people like Justine and Mariquita who I knew at GPS, a 25th high school reunion coming up that I didn't know about. I've had "the talk" this morning with someone holding a candle for me that shouldn't be, and it went well. We're both relationship addicts, but he doesn't know it.
It's funny, cause after the wierdness with him, I know the celibacy vows for me where a really good thing to take back in 2006, though I fell off the wagon in '07. That relationship was a disaster, and no small wonder! Old friends have told me they think it's great that I've been celibate and healing my issues, because when they knew me several years ago, I was hooked on relationships and sex. I was always busy looking for a saviour, like the Tori Amos' song says, and finding real trouble instead. Too much James Dean.
I'm still eating entirely too much chocolate, but I think it must be to ground me, and all the energy buzzing through me. When I did Bound Lotus, I didn't feel much but pain in my shoulders, and a strong resurgence of tightness in my hips that I ignored in favor of finishing Day 89; but the Moon Kriya made me buzzy. As in all over, but particularly in my chest and hands. It felt like a hundred bees humming in the hive.
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