Wow!

It is pretty cold out there. I had to take a cab to go teach. I don't know if it is just too cold, or if I left the headlights on? Crazy frigid weather for St. Louis, that's for sure. Back home now I just want to sleep all day... From my window it looks deceptively pleasant outside. The cold is ennervating, and Bound Lotus doesn't sound very appetizing right now. Gonna take a nap and set the alarm.

I feel as if I am in a 'dry period' with Bound Lotus, where I am holding back. Part of that begin on the day I did my practice with someone else, who, instead of doing the practice with me, watched me. It kept me from fully loosing myself in the experience. My practice of Bound Lotus was not a performance for him to turn and watch on his mat, nor did my tears of joy and ecstasy that came in the meditative space afterwards require any consolation. On the contrary, he was not sharing the experience, he was intruding upon it.

This dry space I find myself in with Bound feels like a renegotiation with my spirit to honor the sacredness of the practice for me... In four years will I have come no further on my path than he has? That seems quite depressing. I find myself very disillusioned by his inability to find this space for himself after four years of doing Bound. He is mistaking the map for the territory. This is definitely a judgement on my part, but if he 'multitasks' while doing Bound and barely blinks at shavasana, no wonder he has not found the ecstasy within the pose. No wonder he thinks to find that ecstasy within me.

Judgement of him it may be, but a judgement necessary to keep me from falling for yet another guy who seeks to connect to their own Source through me, instead if directly to the Source. I'm nobody's extension cord. My practice of Bound, and my body and my life are not his for the taking... I miss my connection to Source, and I'm not going to get it back by dallying with someone who is obsessed with me. His obsession is draining, pulling me down. I'm going back to my practice, back into my center. He needs to find his own path. His own connection. What is most important is the surrender of the self to something greater than all of us, NOT surrendering that connection to another human being.