Bound Lotus came so easily today...after some incredible twists to open the hips, handstand in the middle of the room, and headstand in a new way, that will seriously help to recreate my cervical curve. Even shoulderstand safely with blankets! At lunch I did Bound Lotus, and my practice was sweet and full of gratitude. The feeling of opening and expansion from yesterday and Thursday stayed. And also from this morning, when we talked about Uttanita, or looking at things from a new perspective.
I see now how the unkind words in my head are mine, and no longer those of my stalker. His cruel words have been erased long ago...what I'm releasing now are my own cruel words...deeply in place before he ever arrived on the scene. I can see how he was responsible for a lot of pain in my life, but I have caused myself pain as well, and it has been easier to blame him for all of it. He did have some good points: he taught me to drive stick shift. So I realized this, in our morning meditation, and then when we practised, I cried. A lot.
So much that Anne thought I was gagging, and Martin began to lighten the mood by bouncing around the room, and changing his perspective by jumping from ladders to countertops and on the floor, like a little Hanuman! Funny that I'd sung the Hanuman Chalisa this morning while in the break room, looking at his coat. Ha! So I began to laugh while I cried. Hiding behind my hair while the tears flowed, I found myself grateful toward a man I just recently met, who has changed my life...someone whose kindness has touched my heart.
I thought about all the times too, when my stalker seemed to be trying to break the hold of the darkness surrounding him. I know what it felt like to be in the grip of it, and why some people personify the devil. Darkness in gross excess, with a closed heart can feel like the Hotel California. It can feel like no way out. Sometimes I could feel, years ago, a sort of evil breathing over me, through the walls and windows, suffocating me. Was it like this for my stalker I found myself thinking in Bound Lotus?
And then my practice was done. I hummed and sang along with Snatam Kaur, falling in love with Dayndaa Day. I chatted with Sarah, and then we practised some more, before heading to Jan's and a wonderful spread of food from all of us! Jan's barbecue beef, soup, salad, Anne's grandmother's torte, my split mung dal and lemon rice, cheese, crackers, chocolate, cider, wine, tea and cookies...little Sara and her yoga poses...Martin playing relaxed host when Jan or Mitch got shy...Conversations with Anne and Stasia about Anne's dog who died, and how fabulous dogs are...Stasia's teenage son who loves vegetables and meat...her Mediterranean eggplant-loving husband...Martin's brother and how he turned Fundamentalist, his Methodist father, and southern background...JennTara's guy who lived in Spain, and JennTara who majored in French and lived in Strasborg...
Then we watched Anodea Judith's video of the chakras, and I went home feeling all warm and as if I'd smoked a big fat Bob Marley joint. The rainstorm outside was like a late summer rain, making me wish I were in my friend's arms that I just met. I just wanted to be held. While I finished my meditations, I could not seem to stop thinking about him, and for the first time in years I had warm, loving feelings toward a man ( I mean besides my lusting after Jimmy Page), for this was more about kindness and softness in loving...real love. And I fell asleep imaging warm arms holding me and keeping me safe from harm, brushing back my hair.
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