"Love which gives a halo around the face of the person..."

I fell asleep on the couch last night chanting and holding my mala. I awoke from the lingering bliss of Ananda Tandava to feel stiff and sore from the waist down. Yesterday I was stiff in the hips and sacrum. Very sore. The dancing took that away! The day before I was stiff in the thoracic spine. Dancing took that away. Wednesday and Thursday I was stiff in my cervical spine and shoulders from the compression injury. Either dancing or Saul took that away... Last night, awakening stiff from the dancing, or so I thought, I was too tired to soak in the tub, too tired to take Arnica or rub in some linament. I went to bed planning to sit in the tub in the morning so I could move, figuring I'd be stiff as a board. When I woke up at 6:30 I didn't even notice any pain. I looked in the mirror and my face glowed like a million suns!!!!!!

feel radiant, alive, like a bird finally able to fly again after his wing was clipped. So grateful. So in love with God. Someone asked me last night if I still spoke to someone in particular that I used to date. My answer was that I've tried, but he knows how to push all my buttons and I let him. But I've basically got a problem with getting into relationships with men who don't see that the bliss is to love the other person as if they were God. Lust gets in the way. I get wiped out. I don't want to have sex 80 bazillion times a day. As a celibate for reasons of healing myself from sexual exhaustion, I miss having mind-expanding sex. Not sex every day, coerced from me when I don't want it. Quality. Not quantity. I've consistently dated men, with only one exception ten years ago, who want sex ALL the time. It's damned draining. I don't want that. It's lust.

Last night was like sex with God. Dancing for God. And unlike most sex I've had, it did not deplete me ultimately, or make me feel like Cinderella at the ball with her dress turning to rags. I woke up this morning and felt again, after the healing of the night, as radiant as I did dancing. All the years I've danced I tried to get into that same space, closing my eyes dancingforGod in clubs and bars. It really was all for God, not for lust. I closed my eyes to dance alone with God all those years, ignoring the eyes of others. Last night I kept my eyes closed mostly - to be with God - but opened them ocassionally to dance with others bent on Love. Real love. Where the other person is the Divine manifestation of God and you would never dream of trying to own them.


Then I opened again this morning the December 2006 issue of Aquarian Times to read this quote of Yogi Bhajans:

"Man has to live in love - love which is not lust. Love where there is no posession, no slavery of another person. Love which is a giving. Love which is for the sake of love. Love which lasts forever. Love which is a total sacrifice. Love which is more than the grace of God itself. Love which gives a halo around the face of the person. Love through which one can see God in the eyes of the person. Love with which the body shines, the words become sweet, and the communication is absolutely beautiful. That love for which one sacrifices his own life to save a little bit of injury to another person. That love with which one pleasantly and peacefully takes all the pain in his heart to redeem another fellow human being. That love can only flow when one knows how to tune into that universal God."

As I read this I am crying. Where is the man who who will let me see him as the Divine manifestation of God, and see me as the Divine Mother to be honored and loved with respect? Seeing my expression of sensuality as being in love with the world and not as an enticement for sex based on lust? If I wiggle my hips it is to feel their energy. If I put on makeup and fix my hair it is to honor life and show life how much I love it. If I wear sexy underwear it is because it makes me feel beautiful. And God is the only seeing that underwear right now. I give my love to God as Krishna these days because no earthly man I've found can let me be me the way God can. More than anything I love life and God. Life and God come first. Any man I might be with in the future will only be one who does not seek to breathe through me but WITH me. I am no one's source of energy. I want to say: "Stop trying to use me as an extension cord you idiots! I'm SHOWING you that there is a wall socket right next to mine. Plug into it. Share life with me. Don't take it from me."

I want to say to people: "Do you this energy I have? It comes from worshipping the earth, the trees the flowers and grass. It comes from practising Yoga, union with God. From chanting to God. Singing to God. Bowing to God in Bound Lotus and other ways every day. Every day. Jealousy won't give you this energy, only devotion. Trying to make me cut down on how much I chant, sing and walk in the park alone will only leave me in rags and tatters looking like a Cindergirl. Find your own connection to God and let our lamps burn beside each other. Don' t feed off me. I'm not the Source. God is."