with Hari Prashad Singh.
I was too tired to get up and work in the kitchen today, so I slept until 5:30 am and did Bound Lotus so I wouldn't be worried about doing it later. I ate a Baraka Bar and an orange for breakfast in my tent, then went to the Tantric shelter. I was stressed out with the sunburn and eczema on my arms and shoulders, and was starting to get upset because there were no spaces out of the sun. A woman who was going to partner with me, started an argument with someone she knew, and I told her I had to leave. Then I walked past a woman I knew from the kitchen and there was space beside her. I asked if it was available, and at first she said no, but then looked up and said, "Oh! It's you! Sure!" She said she just knew it was as important who was to the side of you as across from you.
So I found a space and went looking for a partner. A woman told me just to put my hand up, and the minute I did, a guy with a red beard said, "Do you need a partner?" His name was Hari Prashad. He was going to be a monitor, unless someone right then raised their hand, and I did, so he partnered with me. He is going to S.F. to meet his new wife after this...she doesn't do Kundalini Yoga.
The first meditation was hard, and the second. We sat perfectly still through all of it. Toward the end, I began to cry, then laugh at the same time, then I felt intense rage well up, rage at myself for what I went through years ago in that abusive relationship with that Kurdish asshole, and my body began to shake violently. I was shaking so much I was vibrating like a hummingbird! Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, and wondered if Hari Prashad could stand to see the rage in my eyes, the meditation ended. I let out a cry that sounded like a moan and a scream. The girl from Poland to my right rubbed my back, and so did the other woman on my right. My partner said, "Wow! Props to you for riding that one out! You are really getting your money's worth! That was intense!"
I felt like something deep and profound had changed within me, and yet somehow very calm. As I sat for a few minutes, the women on either side of me massaged my back, and my partner gave me a hug. I returned the favor by doing some Thai massage for the lady to my right, and massaging my partner's hands that were aching. Then I got up to go and get some Ginger juice at the Oasis Cafe, and passed my Seva leader. I told him I had not been able to be in the kitchen that morning as I was so exhausted, and that I unfortunately needed to ask if I could not come in tomorrow, because I was worried I wouldn't be able to do the White Tantric otherwise. He said I should take care of myself and that obviously the White Tantric was working! I laughed and went back up to the pavilion to lie down. Then I proceeded to feel really, really queazy, and realized that I had not had enough water or electrolytes, because I hadn't needed to pee in a long time. The queaziness got worse, even though I drank, and so I finally got up and went down to the First Aid trailer.
A wonderful woman named Onna Lo was there, and she held my hand while I felt sick, and then gave me a Pedialyte popsicle and had me lie down. I kept trying to get up and go back for the rest of White Tantric, but she said that I was way too dehydrated, and had better keep resting. I then slept like a brick, missed my partner coming to look for me, and finally woke up, and just rested. Onna got to go and do one of the meditations,and then came back and talked to me, and we talked about our mothers, babies, and families, and loss. I really grew to like her very, very much. And we exchanged e-mails before I went back up to tell my partner that I was okay. By then, White Tantric was just finishing up, and I gave Hari Prashad a hug and went back to rest in my tent. The rest of the day was rather uneventful, and I slept deeply.
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