"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle."

Like the poet Dante I have beheld the most horrifying madness, utter despair, and tortured souls...at so many different times in my life...each time to 'rise above the sun and smile', in my own words. My last descent into mental hell began in January 09', upon telling a friend of good news and finding that he could have cared less, preferring rather, that I join him in misery. Teetering on the edge of the abyss as I was, it was not difficult to fall. I fell headlong from about mid-January to May 1st, when I was well enough to decide to crawl out of the grave, resume my yoga practice, and the thirst for life. Through it all I chanted what was a dull monotony of Sanskrit chanting, that literally kept me from killing myself. Chanting has been my saving grace. It is now, as I chant for hours daily, including, most importantly, the Reman Shabd while in Bound Lotus. Like the monks who became sick and melancholy when the Catholic church stopped the plainchant, and until it resumed for those monks, I am indebted to chanting and singing mantras for my relative evenness of mood. When I stop, or cut back, I become like Cinderella after midnight.

Being from a family where suicide is historically prevalent, as well as debilitating depression and mania, I am well acquainted with misery and it's depths. What surprises me now, is my almost hypnotic gravitation toward things full of darkness, especially when I have not been able to sleep without the lights on for more than a decade. At night I do not like the dark.

But this morning, I am drawn to re-read William Styron's "Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness." I am drawn to listen to The Cure's 'Lullaby', and yet, curiously, also the tinny plinking sound of 'Lara's Theme' from the movie "Dr. Zhivago". This amuses me. All of it. I have my ideas about what all of this means, and as I am in no hurry to revisit the depths of despair I found myself in at it's worst last March and April, I will continue what is now practically 4 hours a day of yoga, meditation and chanting. Even though, during that time I touch the madness and the pain from my past, I feel that it is coming up from the very depths of my soul to be healed.

Dangerous but necessary work this is...

And so this rather long essay (it appears) is a meditation on madness and the way it can transform into peace and joy.

I think of Wim Wender's strange and beautiful film: "Wings of Desire", and the 'storyteller' listening to a tiny music box. I see myself bending my ear close to listen to first the small keychain music box my mother placed in my Christmas stocking one year, and the beautiful blue intarsia one I gave her years later. Both play 'Lara's Theme', a favorite of my mother's and a sound with the regenerative effects much like Albinoni's Adagio has for the residents of Sarajevo in "The Cellist of Sarajevo", and that Brahms Alto Rhapsody had for William Styron.

I am sad. I am hurting. I am remembering the indescretions of my grandfather and grandmother, the sexual misuse of my body many, many boyfriends, being treated as if my only purpose in life were to serve men's sexual needs, uninvited to movies, shows, concerts and other outings, but useful in the bedroom. Remembering the grief of nearly dying from pregnancy, and the uncaring thoughtlessness of the man in my life. Remembering stories of a great aunt who hung herself upon hearing she was pregnant with twins. She had six children already. Remembering how horribly sick my mother was with me, her physical and emotional abuse toward my sister and I, and her changing as a mother, only to hate herself for who she had been. This long saga...miasma of grief and misery stemming back to my grandmother's rape and abuse at the hands of her stepfather. Memories not even my own...and they come up in the meditation room to be healed. Which is what I do. I am a healer of others and myself.

Each time these pains and griefs return the damage they can do to my life lessens. Working the grief out slowly feels like I imagine the writing of Dostoevsky's "War and Peace" to have been. It is rough going, but necessary work, as pills and therapy never worked for me; I expect because on the one hand pharmeceuticals like Ativan and Seroquel created psychosis for me, and on the other because I had really bad luck with therapists. Except for one. But that is another story.

Wounded Healer that I am, I use everything I can: Chanting, meditation, reflection, devotion, Reiki, crystals, healthy food, walks in nature, the re-reading of books. And here, while I want now to read Sobin, Woolf, Plath, Hedayat and Styron I feel a monsoon of tears on it's way. I know I have more grief to air out into the sunlight. As I read Styron, I find an incredible depth of feeling in his words, his explanation of the path through the darkness to the light:

"The morbid condition proceeded, I have come to believe, from my beginning years - from my father, who battled the gorgon for much of his lifetime, and had been hospitalized in my boyhood after a despondent spiraling downward that in retrospect I saw greatly resembled mine. The genetic roots of depression seem now to beyond controversy. But I'm persuaded that an even more significant factor was the death of my mother when I was thirteen; this disorder and early sorrow - the death or disappearance of a parent, especially a mother, before or during puberty - appears repeatedly in the literature on depression as a trauma sometimes likely to create nearly irreparable emotional havoc. The danger is especially apparent if the young person is affected by what has been termed 'incomplete mourning' - has, in effect, been unable to achieve the catharsis of grief, and so carries within himself through later years an insufferable burden of which rage and guilt, and not only dammed-up sorrow, are a part, and become the potential seeds of self-destruction.

"...So if this theory of incomplete mourning has validity, and I think it does, and if it is also true that in the nethermost depths of one's suicidal behaviour one is still subconsciously dealing with immense loss while trying to surmount all the effects of it's devastation, then my own avoidance of death may have been belated homage to my mother. I do know that in those last hours before I rescued myself, when I listened to the passage from the 'Alto Rhapsody' - which I'd heard her sing - she had been very much on my mind."

- to be continued-

My spine is vibrating when I sing!

I can feel it on the 11th day of chanting the Aquarian Sadhana mantras, and especially during the 'Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Da Ni Sa Ta Na Ma' meditation. Of course I don't feel it while doing Bound Lotus. Bound Lotus is getting really difficult to do again, and it is irritating me to do it; that means both that it is working and changing me, as well as that it makes sense too because I am nearing 120 days straight, which is the number of days to solidify the new habit gained at 90 days and make it your own...eventually Bound Lotus should feel as natural to do every day as brushing my teeth. I am supposed to get to the point where I would feel bereft just at the thought of not doing it. Right now, though, I feel that way, even though it irritates me. The peace I feel afterwards is indescribable!

But I am aware that I need to strengthen my third chakra, my navel center. If the navel center is weak, than the energy a person builds up can slip away as if there were a leak in a cup of water. That still happens to me to some extent. I used to be like a sieve - no energy stayed contained, and people could just drain me. I've been working on balancing the 1st and 2nd chakras, and that seems to be changing...interesting that at Kundalini Winter Solstice I seemed to be clearing stuff for both the Earth Tattva of the year before, and the Water Tattva of 2009. This year is the year of the Fire Tattva, then 2011 is Air Tattva (the 4th chakra; the heart), and 2012 is the year of the Ether Tattva (the 5th chakra and throat - historically my weak spot, hence all of the chanting and singing to strengthen it). God how I would love to be a singer traveling and giving concerts singing Kirtan and doing yoga!

The White Swan and 'the heart-drop'

There are two advanced meditations I feel drawn to try: 'Hunsani Meditation on the White Swan' that Yogi Bhajan said the early Christians used to do in caves...and 'Meditation on the Life Current of Your Heart Unto Infinity':

A) Sit in easy pose with spine erect like a perfect yogi. Make the hands flat like discs, facing the eyes. The disc of the hand will cut through half of the vision of each eye. Move the hands six inches from the face. The hands do not touch each other. The small fingers are seperated by about three inches. If you look straight the two small fingers will appear to intersect and form a heart-like figure. If you look up or down, it will not be there. A simple adjustment of the distance may be required for that little red drop to form in the center. Meditate on the heart drop and see what color changes it goes through. Look into the distance, not at the little fingers. Hold the hands perfectly still. After 5 to 11 minutes, inhale and relax the hands.

B) In easy pose and hands in gyan mudra on the knees, chant in a monotone:

Gobinde, Mukunde, Udhare, Apare, Hariang, Kariang, Nirname, Akame.

Each sound is seperate. Do not run one on top of the other. A short but complete pause is essential. Chant for 5 minutes.

COMMENTS: This is not an easy, light meditation. It affects the central part of the brain and stimulates the entire nervous system. As the nerves adjust, you may get a pressure near the eyebrows and see color changes. The meditation brings a lot of changes and is very unboring. It gives the ability to make decisions clearly and the ability to know future thought forms.

I Love Kundalini Yoga!

I may not trust many people, but there are a few that I do: my father, Ammachi (or Sri Amritananamayi), and Yogi Bhajan. The practice of Kundalini Yoga is a combination of Hatha Yoga, Kriya Yoga, and Raja Yoga...making it more complete than most forms of yoga we know in the West. I love the yoga! I may not like the name 3HO gave me, and refuse to use it, but I love the yoga! I trust that the yoga works. I trust Yogi Bhajan. I don't trust organizations. I trust Ammachi, but not necessarily everyone in her organization. And even so, Ammachi is in human form, and so was Yogi Bhajan. I trust Yogi Bhajan, and at the same time know that he was human and capable of mistakes. Humans can make mistakes, and according to Yogi Bhajan, even God can make a mistake. So maybe everything isn't exact, but it works!

I feel deeply drawn to Kundalini Yoga and have been doing several sets including one called 'Heart of Gold' that leaves me feeling so warm and fuzzy. I also very much resonate with Saul David Raye's Ritam Yoga, and follow what I learned in his immersion as a daily Hatha Yoga practice. And, as well, I have learned a lot about alignment through Anusara. Yin Yoga, irregardless of whether Anusara practitioners believe it works or is safe...works for me, and is an integral part of my practice. The warm-up poses for Kundalini Yoga are very similar, and without either that or Yin Yoga, I become stiff and tight. Basically I love it all!

So, today I've kept up with a set at Sat Inder's for 'Balancing the Depository System', which is in the GuruRattan Kaur book, and I sang Aquarian Sadhana to Wah!'s early CD. Praanpathi Namo Namo, Kirtan Kriya, Releasing Fear, Aakhan Jor, Sa Re Ga..., Heart of Gold, and Bound Lotus. It is 40 days to change a habit, 90 days to create a new one, 120 days to confirm it as your own, and 1'000 to mastery. Of course, if the reasons for doing the kriya are ego-based and not heart-centered, that changes everything. It needs to come from the heart.

IF I told the truth...

...about everything, I would not be where I am today. I told the truth for years and watched it get used against me. Friends, lovers, bosses, doctors, therapists...used the truth to hurt me. It wasn't always conscious or consistent, but it was enough to keep me in the rut I was in, to be boxed in, fantasized about and treated with disrespect. Now I 'neglect' to mention certain things about myself. I omit. I equivocate and prevaricate because believe that not everybody needs to know my business. I've had a Sikh friend recently suggest that I tell the truth about everything. Too much disclosure. Some things are better left in the past for everyone. And he has really never been in my shoes or anyone else's. Telling the whole truth can sometimes really hurt people too...you can damage lives. Sometimes, and I know I am going out on a limb here because I can talk alot, but sometimes it is better just to shut up. And it occurred to me as well that if you want to be really truthful, it is a bad thing to take the truth about someone and then gossip to your friends about them. I've had it done to me, I've done it, and consequently, at this stage of the game, I think there are some things I don't need to know about people, and some things I will never tell about myself or others. As open as I may seem, I am actually Mata Hari about some things. It just depends. I know, most of the time, when to keep a secret, and when not too. Pandora's Box gets opened for me the more I sit with Bound, but that doesn't mean that everyone I know needs to know what I know. Just speaking metaphorically at this point...or am I? Who knows? But if someone tells me a secret and asks me to keep it, unless it is about hurting someone or is meant to hurt someone, I'll keep it. I don't have to outright lie. I just don't have to talk. I think it is good when you can tell the truth, but I also think some things are not everybody's business. I have secrets that I will never tell, not even to those who are just bored and want something to gossip about. Oh, especially not to those people.

In other words, as I would like to say to some of my friends, if you want the whole truth from me, you have to earn my trust. But the truth about me, means the truth about you as well. If you open that door...it isn't always as titillating and exciting as a tabloid headline.

Having said that, I'd like to mention that today marks 108 days of Bound, and today, prior to doing it, I did the "Heart of Gold" Kriya from Guru Rattan Kaur's book. I felt really, really good, and my shoulders and back heart opened up as in a way never before...I shared the Kriya with students after a scheduled class, and they loved it! They said they felt just a little high and kinda buzzy. Cool. And that's the truth. Ha!

The 'crazee squirrel' rides again!

Alrighty! Life has been throwing some punches, i.e., pushy surrogate bosses, financiers with really bad attitudes trying as hard as they can to lose their houses and the shirts off their own backs by being shitheads, and, well old man Winter. But never fear, I have some apples. Yesterday and the day before I did the Apple Kriya for positive ions again, but forgot a crucial ingredient: Breath of Fire! Today I did not forget, and now I have a fire lit under my happy ass. Furthermore, today is 40 days of Releasing Fear with 'Aadays Tisai Aadays'! I began it, without realizing it...on none other than my fat ex-stalker's (I hope!) birthday...butterball turkey that he is...and am ending it, actually on the day upon which he logged on a website I was on, while using my name...exactly five years ago. Today. No shoes! Bumblebee Skunk!!! Merry Farts! Ta-Da! 40 days to RELEASE FEAR! Noooooooow!!!!

So 'Aadays Tisai Aadays' is a meditation to stop others from hurting you, and there is another one to stop you from hurting others... "drum roll please!": 'Aakhan Jor'. 25 times a day according to Guru Nanak. The Sikh Guru, the very same one that Patanjali of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras prophesied would come in the Kali Yuga. That's now. So I began the meditation yesterday, along with one to attain Vac Siddhi and make my voice beautiful if I master it. Since I assume mastery at the very least entails a 1'000 day practice...ahem...I shall do this 'Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Di Sa Ta Na Ma' for 1'000 days, starting today. Let's see, when would that end? So 1'000 days of Bound Lotus, and 1'000 days of this mantra. That is, I guess, of course, unless I lose my voice!

But anyway, I am feeling much better seeing this day pass. I feel relieved. I had a conversation with my boss yesterday, and she didn't wipe me out! A friend of mine is having a really, really bad day and it isn't wiping me out either. Maybe I'll buy 39 more apples and go for the gold on Ash Wednesday, no less, and give up being pissy and bitchy for 40 days, while bobbing for apples in the refrigerator every morning. I have Honeycrisps and Pinatas...which will I have tomorrow? Bound Lotus, of course, is a given. Goes without saying. Hm.

It just dawned on me!

The day I fell on my head and injured my spine, was the same day that our back asswards state of Missouri passed legislation to tax Yoga. And if one of my new bosses keeps up with her ridiculous desire to have a 'Singles Yoga Class', she will effectively be making the State's case. But so many people desire their Yoga to be a 'workout'; it is too painful to do the spiritual work that is part and parcel of doing Yoga. Maybe someday more people will "get it". Eventually, even if you do Yoga for the wrong reasons, i.e., to check out the hot babe or hunk with the cool black toenail polish on the mat next to sweating and breathing while making orgasmic sounds, Yoga has a way of changing your reasons for doing it. But personally, until such time as that happens, I'd rather not hear about that damn 'Singles Class' one more $&%@! time! Jesus! Buddha! God help me before I whip out the duct tape! Oh how I would like to use it... -laughs maniacally-

But otherwise, I did the 'Apple Kriya' again...if only to keep from knocking a few people out cold on their asses, and then finished my other kriyas. Kirtan Kriya is the one to release past negative sexual experiences, and if the last few days are any indication, it is a rough way to go. Yet, it disconnects inappropriate attachments to your aura, and moves you forward on your spiritual path.

I was flabbergasted by the spacey behaviour of my chiropractor today, and the massage therapist blew my mind by telling me about a horror flick she saw. What the hell? I'm tryin' to relax here. My major financier is also pitching a hissy fit as we'd say in Chattanooga, and about to get his house foreclosed on because he is an ignorant cuss to people. He could have avoided this whole issue by going to the BBB, but he didn't, and then he bitched about it to me for an hour on Valentine's Day. No wonder he isn't married. Gosh I'm harsh, but it's true. People are just strange as far as I'm concerned right now. I need a break from them.

Oh, I forgot, Bound Lotus was a major pain in the ass, literally today...but I did it anyway. In the words of one lady's grandson: "Bumblebee Skunk!!!!" I'm thinking of the name Sant Saroop? 3HO - you guys are so friggin ' rigid about names, I'll just pick my own; I'm certain I am NOT the first to do so.