Subbing is frustrating...

...so is applying for a loan and not getting it. Ditto having one's iPod not work, and realizing that you were incredibly stupid to ask the ex-boyfriend to help, and you have no one but yourself to blame if he behaves like a passive-agressive old giraffe! But I did Bound, and then taught a wonderful class for 'Intuition'. It was fun, the students were glowing, and we sat to talk afterwards and enjoy Yogi Tea and one of the students made bruschetta. Fabulous!

I went home to find an incredibly horrid, self-serving and bullshit e-mail from said ex...behaving like the condescending thumb-crusher he was when I dated him. Is it any wonder that every woman leaves him? He complains of being 'used', in a passive-agressive sort of way, but used the last girlfriend after me for sex, and the one after that too. Everything is calculated by him as to what he is owed. Nothing every given freely. And all asked him to do was simply not to be mean to me. Instead, I get a fatherly lecture from a mental midget about how I always misconstrue his words, and he'll deign to help me with the iPod one last time, but he can't take the misinterpretations of his actions anymore. What he truly can't take is someone calling him on his bull. And his request that I sever all contact with him sounds strangely retaliatory and redundant, because I made a similar request of him two years ago after allowing him to manipulate me back into an abusive relationship way too many times. In time, I relented and tried to be friends with him, listening to him whine about not being able to get what he "needs" from girlfriends, passing on some networking to him, and occasionally asking for assistance electronically. He implied that all I ever did was ask for favors, denied it when I called him on it, reprimanded me for misinterpretation, and then proceeded to say that he would no longer do any "favors" for me...effectively proving where his petty focus really was, and proving my point.

When we dated, nothing was ever given as a kindness without the expectation of sex in return. Not breakfast, not a book, not Christmas presents, not an ear to listen, nor help with electronics. The price of everything was sex. Sometimes expected of me several times a day. So reminiscent of past relationships that, after him, I firmly resolved to be celibate until I stopped being attracted to men who use women for sex. I'd had enough.

After going to the ER because of his sex addiction when we dated, and letting him do things like reduce me to tears because I simply piped up and told the pizza guy what else I wanted on the pizza, instead of letting the male chauvinist pig do it...I should truly have known better than to ask his help with iPod. For some reason I thought that 2 1/2 years would have wrought change in him. Not so...

So, I composed a polite but truthful response, probably killing all possibility of retrieving my iTunes. But who needs an overgrown child in their life anyway? I spent the rest of the evening talking to my Dad, and Akal Sahai. People who have taken the time to learn from their mistakes and grow. People I can resonate with and try to trust.

I Love to Teach Yoga...

...because of days like this! This morning's class was fun and challenging, with lots of students willing to try new things. Bird of Paradise, Crow to Tripod Headstand, Dolphin, Warrior III to Standing Splits...yeah! Then this evening was much fun against the wall practising inversions while everyone was still fresh, then on to twists and backbends. What a neat group to teach. They are awesome! My all-time favorite studio! Home to bask, because Bound is already done!

Tying a Knot in my Rope

I am not sure if I am on Day 198 of Bound Lotus, or back at Day 9. If it is Day 198, it is sheerly by Grace. If it is Day 9, then the arbitrary numbers I laid out in the preface to this blog are uncanny. If I'm starting all over again (dammit) and on Day 9, then Day 12 is the first day of a seminar I teach. I've been saying I want to be one if those yoga instructors who travel and teach seminars...if that ends up happening, this Saturday would be the beginning. Day 235 would be New Year's Eve of this year, Day 872 would be my birthday in 2012! And day 1'000 would be the anniversary of my mother's birthday in 2013! Groundhog's Day! Candlemas! The day that Kabbalists begin their meditations anew...(arbitrary numbers I picked?) Maybe. Maybe not. But for these dates to be significant, I'd have to be on Day 9. Again. I don't know... I really don't know... Was I given Grace in this matter, and in ways I don't understand? Or was the Grace in not 'knowing' for sure that I had to start all over again from scratch? It would have made my heart sink to have known that last Monday, and know that the aspiring philanderer who posed as a spiritual friend was some sort of wierd idea of Grace to mak me miss 90 Days of Praanpathi Namo Namo four days before finishing, and then, potentially, Day 188 of Bound Lotus.

Whatever the Truth is, no mere mortal, or man, will ever get in the way of my completing Bound Lotus again. I'll do it first thing in the morning to keep up my end, and ask that they leave me alone for their part. I think I've dug through another layer of anger towards men. I'm working on it. Right now, I'm pretty angry with men. The inability to forgive men for having a penis IS the ultimate source of my anger. And I have myself to forgive too, for spending years in a strip club mocking men's inability to use their equipment wisely. I secretly ridiculed them and laughed at them for their silliness and kowtowing to their little brains. It's safe to say I am spitting mad. What is interesting is that, unlike in the past, I can also put on a genuine face and smile about other things, such as how beautiful the day is, how pretty the birds sound outside, and how much I love blackberries, miso soup, and pizza. Not in that order, nor all at once.

I am a wierd combination of being very, very angry at men, and exquisitely happy that I don't have to share my home or day with a man if I don't want to...something a woman in centuries past could not likely have experienced.

I just got done saying...

...to my father that it is nice that the one fellow in one of my classes who had a crush on me is letting it go, and that my Tuesday night class is full of men who say they enjoy my class, AND behave themselves. Now, famous last words, there's an idiot with a crush on me. Trying to flatter me, acting giddy, blah, blah, blah. I do not return the interest. I am not interested. The idea of dealing with a man on a day to day basis in a relationship does not appeal. Much less sex. That makes me feel like puking! No more!!!! If I fix my hair, or dress nicely, or wear a little make-up, or earrings, it is because I enjoy my own body. I like seducing myself in the mirror. I WILL not give that option to a man. They'd best get over it. I am sick of men and their damn penises needing to be anywhere and everywhere. They can be friends with me, and that's it. If I even think they are 'waiting in the wings', they are gone.

I want to be with Amma. I want to leave. I want to become a bramacharyin. I've had these phases before... But this time... I don't know. I feel about sex and attraction and desire now the way I finally began to feel about alcohol. It no longer has an attraction. At least not with another human. And with myself, hardly ever. I've never been happier than without all that bullshit. Not that sex is bad, I just don't want it, and I don't like the games and manipulations for it.

What does it mean that I feel strongly about this today, when I've just finished 90 Days of 'Aakhan Jor' meditation? Or, I think, 90 Days of 'Heart of Gold'? It doesn't feel golden, just bitter. Quietly bitter, though, without the bite. Ammachi, whom I appear to be named after, says it takes a long time for us to get to the bottom of our anger. I think it is safe to say I am very, very, very angry with men as a whole gender. They could try harder to respect women and their boundaries, instead of assuming that because there is no ring that a woman is available. Much less the kind who is attracted even more when there is a ring. The only marriage ring I want is for the soul inside. I plan never to get married and never, ever, ever, ever to have a physical relationship with a man again. And this idiot better get a clue.

Reading "The Moonflower Vine"

I felt yucky all day after teaching my 6:15 am, and getting another phone call from an annoying man who is fooling himself thinking he's cultivating a friendship. He is only draining me with his not so private fantasies, and I am not interested in him or any man. I told him in no uncertain terms to back off, not to ever call again, and to vamoose! He was so draining! He's the reason why on two seperate Mondays, I missed and narrowly missed some of my Kundalini practices, including Bound Lotus! Ix-nay! You don't get to fuck up close to 200 days of Bound Lotus practice for me...whatever I have now that men think they want, is by virtue of this practice. NOTHING whatsoever will come between me and doing it. If you get in my way of healing myself, you're gone! That said, I did Bound, my other meditations, and laid around reading "The Moonflower Vine", reminiscing over summer camping trips with my family, moonlit nights, fireflies, and berry pies over the campfire in campsites all up and down the eastern seaboard. What a nice day! Being alone restirred my juices. I recharge alone best. It was nice to just chill.

3 classes in one day...

I taught my regular morning class today, then subbed, then taught again. And even though I didn't personally get to do any Hatha Yoga, I felt energized by my Kundalini meditation practice, a bag of mixed lettuces and chives from a student's garden, and Bound Lotus.

Snobs are so annoying...

...Bound Lotus makes it easier not to smack them. So does work that takes your mind off them, such as putting together notes and outlines for a seminar. So does a brand spankin' new SHARK vacuum cleaner. It's nice when retail therapy can involve things you 'need' to buy.