Sleeping....

I am so tired. I just feel like sleeping all day, rather than driving up to see Ammachi right now. I've done Bound Lotus, and sung a bunch of mantras, done my other meditations, eaten a little bit, and gone back to bed.

Day 50 of Bound Lotus (again...he) ...and back from Ram Das Puri

It's also the 172nd day of doing the Releasing Fear meditation to Aadays Tisay Aadays.

Last night, I began Kirtan Kriya for 31 min, as suggested for processing the work from Summer Solstice. It was so pleasant. Sweet even. I slept listening to Nirinjan Kaur's "Jai Te Gung" on repeat, and awoke to look at the patterns of light on my bedroom wall over the Planetary Yantras. I felt like a little girl again. Like the way I used to feel as a small child when our family came back from a summer camping trip. I feel so much love, the presence of my mother, and of angels. I never thought I would say that!

And yet I'm very tired too. Tired but happy. Hungry, but not really anxious to go out into the dimness of the world to forage for food. Out I went anyway. My doorman wanted to know about the trip, and smiled at my joy. The apartment manager only perked up when I mentioned troubles on the trip. Typical of her. I love her, but she looooves to be miserable. She's resistant to my no longer always resonating with her in that way...too bad. :-(

I went around the corner with my head held high, and found some veggie wraps just behind the door of O.R. Juice and Smoothie. I retraced my steps and went to Bissinger's, where Tambora and the girl behind the counter ended up giving me free chocolate! Then on to Straub's for a larger jar of raw Tupelo honey...craving it for some reason...like I did chocolate after Winter Solstice.

Back home I got really tired. I think the vibration of people in the CWE was so low compared to where I was that it drained me. I put Aap Sahaee Hoa on repeat and napped while giving myself Reiki. Then I got up to do the 'Creating Self-Love' set, which physically hurt my chest a lot, so I must still have a lot of hidden anger... Then back to lie down.

Sleep and Bliss

After arriving at the Drury Inn in Joplin, Missouri after 11 pm, I was overtired and sat staring at the floor for an hour. Then I grabbed my D-core pillow and fell asleep without brushing my teeth. I awoke groggy and weak at 8:30 am, asked for a 1pm checkout, and took advantage of the last fifteen minutes of the Quick Start breakfast to have a waffle, 3 cups of O.J., and a biscuit with blackberry jam.

In my room I did Chhe Kriya, Bound Lotus, and the Banishings and Rose Cross. I showered, languished in the bath with truly warm water, drank some electrolytes, and got on the road after thanking Mina for my late check-out. In Rolla, I ate at Subway, and met some guys from L.A. driving to Maryland. I said I was so happy to see spinach again in a Subway, after being in the meat-lover's paradise of Texas. They said that Subways in California have avocado slices. I need to move!

I sent Sat Inder a text hoping he had a safe trip, apparently just as he arrived home! Then 2 hours later I was home, doing Releasing Fear and finishing just as Dad arrived to go get a piece of chocolate with me. I bought us each a jar of honey, and we sat in The Chase as he told me that he fell at the church last Thursday. He acts like he feels old. He calls himself a slob, and yet he seems happy. I just wish he would do some Kundalini Yoga. But he's so worried about if it jives with being Christian. But Kirtan Kriya...if he would just try it.

Leaving Amarillo for 'The Hotel Tulsa'

I awoke from a long sleep and promptly did Bound, Chhe Kriya and Releasing Fear. After slathering myself with more coconut oil to ease the eczema and heat rash, I ate at Subway, and got on the road to sing Sadhana, the Divine Birth mantras and listen to Ashana! I had a lovely but long drive through Texas, past Oklahoma City, and landed outside Tulsa at a Days Inn from Hell. The lady behind the front desk was sweet, but her boss from India was wierd. And the minute they finished an overly lengthy process of checking me in, rain started heavily outside, making it an ordeal to empty the car. As the thunder and lightning crackled, and I painstakingly moved my luggage with three trips up the elevator, I felt a funky vibe in the hotel.

A huge number of club kids were there, reeking of dozens of kinds of perfume, and each one looked like a zombie on either coke, X, or heroin, or copious amounts of alcohol. They bitched that I didn't say hi, and because I had a disgusted look on my face...but they WERE disgusting to be around, and it was making me sick to my stomach. When I decided to leave, the manager took it personally and tried to block me from leaving. It was like The Hotel California!!!! I told him I'd just been in the mountains of New Mexico, camping, eating vegetarian food, and not being around a bunch of drug addicts and alcoholics, and it was too much. Culture shock. I pushed past him and left.

An hour later, I holed up at Joplin's Drury Inn, courtesy of the kindness of Liz at the front desk. It was Sweet Dreams...truly. Safe and sound away from the junkies and pimps. I felt like Dorothy clicking her spangly red pumps. Half-way home in the storm.

The Last Day...

I awoke ready to shower and pack up my tent. Not ready to leave Ram Das Puri, but tired of the heat and dryness. I did Chee Kriya and Bound Lotus... Then said goodbye to Kristikka and Sat Siri and her son Rajpreet (Sebastian). We promised to see each other next year, and they packed up and left. I wrapped myself in a shawl to prevent burning, and worsening of my eczema, and covered myself with raw coconut oil to stop the itching, while I quickly made 3 more trips to the car with my things, and then swept and packed up the tent.

Then I took a much needed warm shower (for once it wasn't cold), and headed for the car with the last of my things. I passed Sat Inder on the way, and he said he'd come by my tent but I wasn't there. He said he'd taken Amrit and Sikh Vows, which I figured he had. I was sorry I hadn't been there, but I wasn't doing well with getting up at 3 am. I am very happy for him though...

Lunch was being served, and I saw Jiwan Shakti, my 2nd Tantric partner, and so we sat and ate together in the Admin trailer, with a beautiful white-haired woman who was none other than Prabhu Prakash Kaur, the head of Administration! I love her voice. We talked about Sikh Karas and sprouts, and making Golden Milk. Then I left and said goodbye to Pavan Deep and Sat Inder, and promptly got off in the wrong direction down the mountain, but Sat Inder helped me out.

At the end of that long, rocky road, I stopped to get gas and realized how spacy I was...I then drove that way through Santa Fe, and onto the wrong highway through the sagebrush. As I listened to Simrit Kaur singing Akal Moorat, I fell in love with the mountain I had just come down from, and began to cry. I cried even more when I finally saw a gas station: Pecos River Station, with hummingbird feeders, and I saw my first ever real hummingbird! What magic! I cried as I listened to Snatam Kaur's "Poota Mataa Ke Asees", knowing that the singing of it is healing for my relationship with my mother, just as I had known instinctively 2 days before White Tantric Yoga.

I cried on and off until arriving in Amarillo, Texas to find that almost every room had been rented by Jehovah's Witnesses. That grounded me a little, and then I crashed when I finally found a room.

Exhausted after Tantric...

Day 3 of White Tantric Yoga...

with Guru Simran Singh Khalsa.

I'd had permission to skip kitchen Seva, and so did Bound again, and went to the Tantric Shelter much earlier. Guru Simran had asked to partner with me, and he pointed out his mat and sheepskin dead center, away from the sun. This kind old man, 76? I believe, was the one who gave me a Heart-to-Heart at my tent. He'd also given me the Chee Kriya to do for a protective circle, much like the Banishings and Middle Pillar Exercise and Rose Cross Ritual that I did not want to do, because I was afraid that some more Christian-oriented types might think strangely of me for doing it. He was also the person I helped set a tent up for someone else with. Very kind and easy to be around. I was overjoyed just to relax. The meditations were intense, but I made it through almost everything. I needed to sleep, and he wanted to as well, and touched my thigh, but I asked him not to...

During the last meditation I had to get up because I was exhausted. In the bathroom I saw blood in the toilet, wondered whose it was, and realized it was mine. I'd bled through my whites. I went back to my tent and washed them out, and then came back just in time for the Blind Walk, which I decided to skip, being quite exhausted and having no desire to fall and twist my ankle from fatigue.

Someone mentioned going into Albuquerque to see Ammachi for Devi Bhava as well, but I couldn't come up with the energy. I went to bed and slept, and slept, and slept.