Chocolate extends life!

To have read in the Riverfront Times of a woman who lived to be 122, and attributed her long life to her 2 pd a week chocolate habit, warms my heart on Valentine's Day! The article, about two bean-to-bar chocolatiers in Missouri, made me want to run over to Straub's for some Asknosie chocolate from Springfield, MO. I've had some Patric chocolate and it was a divine experience. Those Madagascarian beans...But right now I am savoring Yogi Tea with raw cacao, that contains waaaaay more antioxidants than acai berries, blueberries or pomegranates. I feel like an Incan princess sitting down to my cup. Soon I will become a human pretzel again, for the 104th time in 104 days. Then I shall rise up and go buy some Askinosie chocolate, and get on with my goal of living beyond the age of 100 while still being flexible, strong, feisty, outspoken, funny and kind. I love life! I love chocolate! I do not love Bound Lotus...but I do it anyway because I like the way I feel afterwards.

Affirming my own Spiritual Name

Phoenix Amira Lei...or really what sounded like Phoenix Amora Lei, or Phoenix 'A'-something-'Moora' Lei...was given to me in a dream in 2007. When Ammachi would not yet give me a Spiritual Name, I needed a name to start my business that felt right and would not alert my stalker at the time to my whereabouts. I heard this name in my dream. I couldn't quite make out the 'Amoora' part, but it sounded like Amora. When I spelled out Phoenix Amora Lei, I realized that the middle name with the last initial looked like the word: amoral; so I changed it to Amira, which is Arabic for "female leader". Yesterday, as I sang the Aquarian Sadhana mantras for the 4th day in a row, I looked down at the words: Akal Moorat, and thought: "That's it! That's what they said in the dream!"

But 3HO insists otherwise. Akal Moorat was not even what I wanted as a Gurmukhi name in the Kundalini Yoga tradition...I wanted something that would remind me of my birth name that I can no longer safely use. But, oddly, Akal Moorat resonates with me. It means: Deathless, Undying. That fits with Phoenix too. The name 3HO gave me was supposed to be chosen astrologically. But that can't be true. I know enough about astrology to know that they would need not only the latitude and longitude of my birthplace, but the birth time as well. The form I filled out did not ask for this. Their name they gave much less personally through the e-mail cannot be my destined name in the Sikh tradition. It feels all wrong.

They've told me as well that Yogi Bhajan said a Spiritual Name can be given only once. But he also used to chose people's spouses for them, and in later years, before he died, that was not the case. So why do they have to insist I accept a name that does not feel like me at all? They don't. And I politely refused to align myself with their choice, while thanking them anyway. Thinking about accepting made my soul feel crushed. I felt awful. Choosing to reaffirm Phoenix Amira Lei as my name filled me with the energy and blessings it has since I took it in 2007. As I sit in Bound Lotus THAT name is what I will meditate upon...

Kriya to balance 3rd chakra...

...and meditation. Today started painfully with Kriyas at Sat Inder's that made weep soundlessly for almost a half hour. My head hurt all day. It got worse as the day went on. For the 4th day in a row I have done Aquarian Sadhana in the morning and Kirtan Kriya in the afternoon. I knew Kirtan Kriya could release painful sexual experiences, I guess I just hoped it would be painless to release the pain. Not so. But today, while doing the meditation to Aadays Tisai Aadays, I never dropped my arms! In Bound Lotus I stayed on my forehead for the full 15 minutes on each side, instead of coming up to practice the bind. And Praanpathi Namo Namo was peaceful and easy. Kirtan Kriya made me vibrate all over, and left me buzzy. Peaceful. I recited Kirtan Sohila and made Yogi Tea with raw cacao for bed. I hope sleep is peaceful. Tomorrow I may do the Apple Kriya again.

Day 101...

...and what happened on November 5th, 1974. I was seven years old. I developed asthma because I was told not to cry or talk about what my mother's father did on that day. He took me down into his basement workroom where he did woodworking, making dollhouses and his nick-nack shelves, and he did something to me. I can't be sure what it was, but it involved some kind of abuse, molestation or rape. It is possible that it was oral. No wonder my grandmother was protective of me and practically smothered me. Now I know why she touched me, to see if he had hurt me. But by 18, I was still a virgin. After that day though, November 5th, 1974, I was never allowed to go down in the basement with grandpa anymore. Grandma would see him shuffling off with me and come running to say she needed me to pick raspberries. Always raspberries. I told her. She made me promise not to tell. It would be our secret she said. Because if Mom or Dad knew, they would not bring my sister and I to visit anymore. So when I woke up in the middle of the night, and came down to the kitchen past her bed next to grandpa's on a rollaway, she would have me crawl in with her, and squeeze me to death out of fear that he would touch me again. She'd married a man who was an abuser, but the pillar of his community. A man who was an abuser, just like her stepfather. He was supposed to save her, and he betrayed her trust and mine. I thought these next few days leading up to the completion of 40 days Releasing Fear while meditating to "Aadays Tisai Aadays" were significant for another reason, Because February 17th, 2005 is significant, and it is, but this is more so... No wonder I felt I should have waited to begin Bound Lotus on November 5th, instead of the 3rd. It was the day my life changed forever. November 5th, 1974. And now, on February 11th, the day after 100 Days of Bound Lotus, and the day after the 5th anniversary of my stalker purchasing my domain name and taunting me with it, I know why I cried so hard in meditation yesterday morning. I know why I was even more sensitive to the rudeness of one of my boss' new employees...

I know why I awoke from a dream where a Spanish lady asked me if I remembered what happened on November 5th, and why I woke up howling in my sleep with grief, saying out loud what had happened to me for the first time in 36 years.

Day 100

That's pretty much all I have to say, cause I'm too tired even to do yoga with apples. Actually, I'd like to put my apple on top of a certain someone's head and play the William Tell Overture while I draw my bow, saying: "This will only hurt a little bit." Tomorrow I hope I can do yoga with an apple again, and dance around like a squirrel on acid.

Sleeping under the Yantras...

Oh my God! I feel like a million bazillion trillion gadzillion hundred thousand fabulously wonderful awesome jumping smiling and screaming smackaroos!!!! No wait! A gazillion trillion billion million smackaroos!!!!! Hot damn I'm five again! If starting out my day singing ALL of the Aquarian Sadhana mantras didn't make me bouncy enough...after finally doing that crazy Kundalini 'Apple Kriya' for positive ions, I have transmogrified into Tigger, or Hobbes, or something! I can't stop smiling! And I feel like this buzzy Sun Yantra. It's Summer in my meditation room...I'm at the beach collecting stones and skimming them, climbing sand dunes in my mind! Holy Cow! This is the remedy for Winter. I think I could do Bound Lotus for two hours if I could sit still.

Now here's the problem: How do I get to sleep? Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! I feel better than after Saul David Raye's workshop, better than I did at 16 on my birthday. Dude. This crazy Kundalini stuff rocks. Yeah! -zips around room like a crazed squirrel-

Kirtan Kriya is kicking my ass...it seems.

Day 98 of Bound. Hm. 6 days so far of Praanpathi Namo Namo meditation and Kirtan Kriya. I had a massage today, and when the tightness in my hips released, I felt a lot of grief. It feels like the same kind of release of painful sexual memories from Kirtan Kriya. This is hard work. My hips are tighter. It seems like they are holding on for dear life to the pain. Afraid of the change. It's okay. I'm patient with my body about this...like a good lover should be, and I love myself. Finally. After years of intense self-hatred. It's been a slow process of making friends with myself and caring enough to be kind to myself.