The Pleiadian Tantric Workbook and Renaissance Fairs...

On p. 49 of Amorah Quan Yin's workbook, she gives a description of remembering the creation of her soul, through a journey in her merkabah and a spiraling tunnel of light that is almost identical to the experience I had in 1999 of seeing the outlines of my merkabah and traveling in it through a similar tunnel. I know that merkabah was real, and then in 2003 I saw it drawn in Drunvalo Melchizidek's 'Flower of Life' books that Wendy on netalive told me about! The shape of the merkabah also includes Aleister Crowley's hexagrams.

So, in Amorah's book there are two exercises that I need to do: the 'Sacred Geometry Chamber of Light for Your Perineum Center' and 'The Planetary/Stellar Alignment Chamber of Light'. Plus, possibly, the 'Temples of the Sun'. What I don't understand is why, back in February when I bought this book and was directed to it, why I didn't get directed to "The Pleidian Workbook" as well. I mean shouldn't I be awakening my Ka before my Ba?

Birthdays and Sundays

Yesterday, by accident, I saw a clip from "Blue Velvet", after watching Michael Caine in "Harry Brown". I could really resonate with the old man getting fed up with the murderous young punks and opening up a can a' wup ass on them! Then "Blue Velvet" brought back memories of my own personal Frank Booth. I did not sleep well, to say the least. But I do see that darkness lies within all of us, and we can choose to align with it, or align with the light and then bask in it's glow.

Joe called to ask if I was going to Sat Inder's birthday party, and while we were talking about head coverings, I realized that my big purple hat with the antennae, which I wore one Halloween when I dressed up as a 'Social Butterfly', would be perfect! So off I went, and had a fabulous time! The people were awesome, the food was great! So many cool people...chatting with Hugh and Jackie and Ben on the porch under the Catawba trees with their white orchid-like blossoms. I love talking with gay men who just love life and how beautiful it is...no issues.

Then sitting around eating cupcakes with Jackie, and seeing the light in Sat Inder's eyes on his 40th. That card of him, or what looks like him, was hysterical! With the beard, the hair, the coconut bra! Ha ha! Good times! And Bound, well, I did it earlier, so no worries...

Long Days and Nights

I've been sleeping a little fitfully, and waking up tired but happy. Last night's class was fun to teach, and it is my favorite class, but this one student makes me uncomfortable with his annoying crush on me. I keep thinking he is done with it, and then he gets right up in my personal space again...so close I can smell his bad breath. He has to know on some level that he does this...for he only gets that close when no one else is around. He is, quite frankly, being a little energy vampire. And I don't care how kind he is otherwise, if he gets in my personal space bubble again, I will energetically slap his hand.

That being said, I am enjoying the rest of the lettuce another student gave me, with a little seasoned rice vinegar, black truffle oil, and grains of paradise. Bound Lotus seems to be deepening not from being all sweetness and light right now, but from standing up for myself.

I subbed two classes this morning, and met a wonderful woman from Puerto Rico. She is funny, forthcoming, and full of kindness. She was so excited about getting up into Crow for the first time in my class! I asked the students in the first class what they wanted to work on, and she piped up: "Crow!" Another lady said 'hips' and they compliment each other so we did both. I talked them through working Moola Bhanda and Uddiyana Bhanda to float up into Crow. It worked!

I am tired but happy, and ready to sit for Bound Lotus again.

I Love the Trees

Outside D's there are trees that drench the studio with wonderful energy. I love the studio. It is hard work teaching to one student for almost every class, but I love the students and I love the studio. It has a good feel...then I love the students in Granite City, just not Granite City itself. Tonight's 'Kundalini Rising' class I have planned as a Heart Kriya for rebuilding the nervous system. 11 minutes of kissing your palms, 5 of rocking in and out of plow pose, then 10 of shavsana, and 3 11 minute long Heart Meditations. I've done it already and feel fabulous!

I've been finishing up my knitted beanies for Solstice, and have bought some more clothes for Solstice. Even Target is expensive! I am a little anxious about going, and hoping that it will all work out in the end. I need a tent and sleeping bag so badly... But I also have bills to pay. This new car payment takes a bite out.

Bound is done again and I am ready to teach and also make it clear to my one student that his fantasies are not innocent, and he'd best stop them. Opening one's heart also includes learning to love yourself enough to say to others: "Hey, get out of my energy bubble!"

Bittersweet YinYang

I've been skimming through Phil Hine's primer on Chaos Magick, which is really eclecticism in magick. If one process works from a different tradition, you blend it with what you are doing, or you change it. So I consider Kundalini Yoga to be a sort of 'magic' in how it heals specific issues so deeply through the most bizarre exercises that make me giggle sometimes. And I love it, but sometimes doing that work only raises my energy and doesn't protect me from being drained by the bugs at the lamp like the ritual Banishings of The Golden Dawn. So I still do them. It's faster than Sat Kriya even, and more effective. I speculate that is because it is a balance of dark and light, of many things...

It is a 'Western Yoga'. In reading, as well, Peter Carroll's "Liber Null", I can see the workings, conscious or subconscious of all of us when we seek to expand our consciousness, and when we seek control. I think it is better to be informed about it all. I see what might have been perpetrated against me in the past through the darkness, and I see how it can be counteracted through the work I am doing. Both in lifting up my consciousness and protecting myself.

After all, Yogi Bhajan said: "The basic purpose of life is just to be human and deal with life as a human being. Don't become so bitter that somebody will throw you away or so sweet that someone can eat you up." I am bittersweet.

It's been a very long day...

...but it is done, and so is Bound Lotus. Oddly enough, after telling that asshole where to go, and getting someone else to help me with the iPod, my hips and shoulders just keep opening up even more every day. I can sit in Full Lotus, as part of the practice, for 4 minutes of the 15 on each side!

My last 6:15 am is done, and my Yin class now has another student. I am psyched!

Lunch and Goodbyes to Katie and her kitty!

I had a wonderful lunch with my friend Katie before she takes off for home! We shopped at Target for stuff we both need, dined at Little Saigon, which is my favorite restaurant, and where I met her. We shared crispy Vegetarian spring rolls, Vietnamese coffee sips and Mango smoothie. We chatted and people-watched. We hung out in my crystal room and I loaned her the pair of moldavite and green tourmaline earrings that Ashley gave me so many years ago to start me on my journey back. We stopped at AAA where they made her itinerary into a book! We ate chocolate and I met her friends and said goodbye to her cat and her...but I'll still chat with her, and I'd love to go visit sometime.

Hugs. Then goodbye again.

I left to teach to 1 person, but all this teaching to 1 is making me a better teacher. I did Bound and went to bed. I got up and re-did the Banishings just to be safe...then back to a peaceful sleep unmarred by visions of that ridiculous giraffe of an ex. I could feel the good energy in the apartment. I've come so far to be able to stand up to the abusive men in my life and smile!

It is getting easier to teach...

...and not have to do everything along with the students. Subbing tonight was fun, and I taught preps for hanstand, headstand and forearm balance. I also got my new traction device to help get my cervical curve back. I also got a slew of 'abusive' text messages from various businesses that I had to text 'STOP' to, and a certain someone denies being the mastermind. He also sent me another condscending and patronizing e-mail at "exactly" the moment I began my Banishings to clear space, Invocations and Middle Pillar to raise energy, and Liber Vel Reguli to sever the connection between us. I burned Tetragrammaton incense, and personal effects, then closed the ritual to find this new message. I fired back and let rip on all the things I wanted to say three years ago about sexual addictions, manipulations, hospital visits, hypocricy and lies. I told him that I thought it funny how he was re-using my exact words from three years ago to get back at me. I said I definitely don't have to listen to his bullshit if he doesn't want to talk to me, and to get off his high horse.

I guess he thought I'd apologize for his bad behaviour like I have in the past. I guess he thought he could manipulate me again like he did when he broke up with me in '07 just before my 40th, because I wouldn't have sex with him when he wanted it, only to try to entice me back with promises of changed behaviour and offers to finish setting up my website...none of which materialized. I guess he thought, like he did at New Year's '08 when he broke up with me again because I wouldn't have sex right then, that he could just make me feel like shit for askng him to be a decent human being. He's wrong.

I verbally ripped his throat out with that e-mail I sent back, and I burned all of his pictures in my ritual banishing. I watched as the sky at dusk lit up with two clouds: one shaped strangely like the dragon-headed incense burner his photo's ashes were smoldering in, the other like my carved goddess from Oaxaca, Mexico. They are opposite each other in my meditation room, and they were opposite each other in the sky. The goddess cloud had a bunch of little fluffy dinosaur figures behind her, and I watched as her cloud seemed to lunge at the dragon and then lightning flashed behind the dragon and burnt a hole in his middle!

I was honestly psyched. I was so angry at him back in '08 after my ER for bleeding abrasions internally that I wished he would reap what he sowed, literally. He kinda did back then...he fell and badly scraped his hand. I relish the thought that he's had his hand slapped this time too. I've had enough. Tired of being compassionate. Kali and Durga are behind me, I'm sure, and I feel righteous in defending my energy because his bull was draining me AGAIN, and guess what? After Banishing him so brutally, my hips and shoulders are MORE open in Bound. Must not have been a bad thing. Must have been a much needed release from him. If he were actually smart, he'd be as dangerous as the man who stalked me, but he isn't. He's just a pathetic jerk I said goodbye to...

What a lovely day!

I am still miffed at my ex, and ocassionally wondering why I ever gave him another chance to grind me under his thumb, big overgrown manipulative giraffe that he is...but I did. I seem to attract jackasses who love nothing better than to excuse their own faults away just because I happen to have some too.

But no matter. Teaching this morning was renewing. I had to search for music, because I realized I'd passed on everything I use to one of my students to put onto my iPod replacement. What a wonderful thing for her to do! I gave her a Kundalini Yoga book and a hand-knitted beanie as a 'thank you'! I am so appreciative, and class this morning was a joy to teach. Then Sat Inder's class. He was in rare form. I loved the poses. He seemed at one point to be subconsciously taking his aggressions out on me by digging his thumb into my piriformis, but then he softened. He hasn't assisted me in a long time, but today he did, and he showed me his new Kirpan pendant.

I felt he'd forgiven me and himself for both our bad behaviour. He's good that way, unlike some other people who are 'faky' spiritual...ersatz sattvic. Sat Inder is real. He's not perfect, neither am I, and we both know it. No projection. Just the truth. A good man, even when he is annoying. He makes me want to be a better person. My ex does not. He is too petty and childish. Always has been. But today negated most of that, and then I had the double joy of gifts of homegrown lettuce and chives from my Sunday evening student. Yum! So much love goes into growing and picking vegetables and fruits. I feel blessed. Still a little put out, but blessed nonetheless...

Heart Chakra Kriya!

I feel really worn out from dealing with my ex energetically, and my heart strings need a tune up. So I'm planning on doing the Heart Chakra Kriya, the one where you kiss your own palms for 11 minutes...and thus it begins...

That was wonderful! I felt so drained from my ex's passive-agressive attack on me through the e-mail, that I was weak, coughing and developing a bladder infection. After this Kriya, while listening to Sat Kartar's 'Laya Yoga' from "Listen", I felt whole, and then vibrating with energy. Her music, which samples "The Nutcracker Suite" 'Dance of the Sugarplum Faeries', made me feel like the five-year-old I used to be, who would sleep under the grand piano while Mom played Tchaikovsky and Edvard Grieg. Magickal! It used to take days to get back onto an even keel after an interaction with him - But today I am once again hale enough to do Bound again. I think it partly might have been Akal Sahai's suggestion of Sat Kriya as well. Kundalini Yoga is powerful stuff!

Subbing is frustrating...

...so is applying for a loan and not getting it. Ditto having one's iPod not work, and realizing that you were incredibly stupid to ask the ex-boyfriend to help, and you have no one but yourself to blame if he behaves like a passive-agressive old giraffe! But I did Bound, and then taught a wonderful class for 'Intuition'. It was fun, the students were glowing, and we sat to talk afterwards and enjoy Yogi Tea and one of the students made bruschetta. Fabulous!

I went home to find an incredibly horrid, self-serving and bullshit e-mail from said ex...behaving like the condescending thumb-crusher he was when I dated him. Is it any wonder that every woman leaves him? He complains of being 'used', in a passive-agressive sort of way, but used the last girlfriend after me for sex, and the one after that too. Everything is calculated by him as to what he is owed. Nothing every given freely. And all asked him to do was simply not to be mean to me. Instead, I get a fatherly lecture from a mental midget about how I always misconstrue his words, and he'll deign to help me with the iPod one last time, but he can't take the misinterpretations of his actions anymore. What he truly can't take is someone calling him on his bull. And his request that I sever all contact with him sounds strangely retaliatory and redundant, because I made a similar request of him two years ago after allowing him to manipulate me back into an abusive relationship way too many times. In time, I relented and tried to be friends with him, listening to him whine about not being able to get what he "needs" from girlfriends, passing on some networking to him, and occasionally asking for assistance electronically. He implied that all I ever did was ask for favors, denied it when I called him on it, reprimanded me for misinterpretation, and then proceeded to say that he would no longer do any "favors" for me...effectively proving where his petty focus really was, and proving my point.

When we dated, nothing was ever given as a kindness without the expectation of sex in return. Not breakfast, not a book, not Christmas presents, not an ear to listen, nor help with electronics. The price of everything was sex. Sometimes expected of me several times a day. So reminiscent of past relationships that, after him, I firmly resolved to be celibate until I stopped being attracted to men who use women for sex. I'd had enough.

After going to the ER because of his sex addiction when we dated, and letting him do things like reduce me to tears because I simply piped up and told the pizza guy what else I wanted on the pizza, instead of letting the male chauvinist pig do it...I should truly have known better than to ask his help with iPod. For some reason I thought that 2 1/2 years would have wrought change in him. Not so...

So, I composed a polite but truthful response, probably killing all possibility of retrieving my iTunes. But who needs an overgrown child in their life anyway? I spent the rest of the evening talking to my Dad, and Akal Sahai. People who have taken the time to learn from their mistakes and grow. People I can resonate with and try to trust.

I Love to Teach Yoga...

...because of days like this! This morning's class was fun and challenging, with lots of students willing to try new things. Bird of Paradise, Crow to Tripod Headstand, Dolphin, Warrior III to Standing Splits...yeah! Then this evening was much fun against the wall practising inversions while everyone was still fresh, then on to twists and backbends. What a neat group to teach. They are awesome! My all-time favorite studio! Home to bask, because Bound is already done!

Tying a Knot in my Rope

I am not sure if I am on Day 198 of Bound Lotus, or back at Day 9. If it is Day 198, it is sheerly by Grace. If it is Day 9, then the arbitrary numbers I laid out in the preface to this blog are uncanny. If I'm starting all over again (dammit) and on Day 9, then Day 12 is the first day of a seminar I teach. I've been saying I want to be one if those yoga instructors who travel and teach seminars...if that ends up happening, this Saturday would be the beginning. Day 235 would be New Year's Eve of this year, Day 872 would be my birthday in 2012! And day 1'000 would be the anniversary of my mother's birthday in 2013! Groundhog's Day! Candlemas! The day that Kabbalists begin their meditations anew...(arbitrary numbers I picked?) Maybe. Maybe not. But for these dates to be significant, I'd have to be on Day 9. Again. I don't know... I really don't know... Was I given Grace in this matter, and in ways I don't understand? Or was the Grace in not 'knowing' for sure that I had to start all over again from scratch? It would have made my heart sink to have known that last Monday, and know that the aspiring philanderer who posed as a spiritual friend was some sort of wierd idea of Grace to mak me miss 90 Days of Praanpathi Namo Namo four days before finishing, and then, potentially, Day 188 of Bound Lotus.

Whatever the Truth is, no mere mortal, or man, will ever get in the way of my completing Bound Lotus again. I'll do it first thing in the morning to keep up my end, and ask that they leave me alone for their part. I think I've dug through another layer of anger towards men. I'm working on it. Right now, I'm pretty angry with men. The inability to forgive men for having a penis IS the ultimate source of my anger. And I have myself to forgive too, for spending years in a strip club mocking men's inability to use their equipment wisely. I secretly ridiculed them and laughed at them for their silliness and kowtowing to their little brains. It's safe to say I am spitting mad. What is interesting is that, unlike in the past, I can also put on a genuine face and smile about other things, such as how beautiful the day is, how pretty the birds sound outside, and how much I love blackberries, miso soup, and pizza. Not in that order, nor all at once.

I am a wierd combination of being very, very angry at men, and exquisitely happy that I don't have to share my home or day with a man if I don't want to...something a woman in centuries past could not likely have experienced.

I just got done saying...

...to my father that it is nice that the one fellow in one of my classes who had a crush on me is letting it go, and that my Tuesday night class is full of men who say they enjoy my class, AND behave themselves. Now, famous last words, there's an idiot with a crush on me. Trying to flatter me, acting giddy, blah, blah, blah. I do not return the interest. I am not interested. The idea of dealing with a man on a day to day basis in a relationship does not appeal. Much less sex. That makes me feel like puking! No more!!!! If I fix my hair, or dress nicely, or wear a little make-up, or earrings, it is because I enjoy my own body. I like seducing myself in the mirror. I WILL not give that option to a man. They'd best get over it. I am sick of men and their damn penises needing to be anywhere and everywhere. They can be friends with me, and that's it. If I even think they are 'waiting in the wings', they are gone.

I want to be with Amma. I want to leave. I want to become a bramacharyin. I've had these phases before... But this time... I don't know. I feel about sex and attraction and desire now the way I finally began to feel about alcohol. It no longer has an attraction. At least not with another human. And with myself, hardly ever. I've never been happier than without all that bullshit. Not that sex is bad, I just don't want it, and I don't like the games and manipulations for it.

What does it mean that I feel strongly about this today, when I've just finished 90 Days of 'Aakhan Jor' meditation? Or, I think, 90 Days of 'Heart of Gold'? It doesn't feel golden, just bitter. Quietly bitter, though, without the bite. Ammachi, whom I appear to be named after, says it takes a long time for us to get to the bottom of our anger. I think it is safe to say I am very, very, very angry with men as a whole gender. They could try harder to respect women and their boundaries, instead of assuming that because there is no ring that a woman is available. Much less the kind who is attracted even more when there is a ring. The only marriage ring I want is for the soul inside. I plan never to get married and never, ever, ever, ever to have a physical relationship with a man again. And this idiot better get a clue.

Reading "The Moonflower Vine"

I felt yucky all day after teaching my 6:15 am, and getting another phone call from an annoying man who is fooling himself thinking he's cultivating a friendship. He is only draining me with his not so private fantasies, and I am not interested in him or any man. I told him in no uncertain terms to back off, not to ever call again, and to vamoose! He was so draining! He's the reason why on two seperate Mondays, I missed and narrowly missed some of my Kundalini practices, including Bound Lotus! Ix-nay! You don't get to fuck up close to 200 days of Bound Lotus practice for me...whatever I have now that men think they want, is by virtue of this practice. NOTHING whatsoever will come between me and doing it. If you get in my way of healing myself, you're gone! That said, I did Bound, my other meditations, and laid around reading "The Moonflower Vine", reminiscing over summer camping trips with my family, moonlit nights, fireflies, and berry pies over the campfire in campsites all up and down the eastern seaboard. What a nice day! Being alone restirred my juices. I recharge alone best. It was nice to just chill.

3 classes in one day...

I taught my regular morning class today, then subbed, then taught again. And even though I didn't personally get to do any Hatha Yoga, I felt energized by my Kundalini meditation practice, a bag of mixed lettuces and chives from a student's garden, and Bound Lotus.

Snobs are so annoying...

...Bound Lotus makes it easier not to smack them. So does work that takes your mind off them, such as putting together notes and outlines for a seminar. So does a brand spankin' new SHARK vacuum cleaner. It's nice when retail therapy can involve things you 'need' to buy.

I £o¥e my students!

They brought me chocolate. Lots of it! I made more Yogi Tea, and we giggled and did the Apple Kriya. Bound Lotus is getting easier in the sense that I can sit in Full Lotus on each side for 3 minutes each...the rest of the time in Half Bound Lotus.

Singing the Aquarian Sadhana...

...and Bound Lotus is done again!

I've experienced Satori before, many times...

...and many times I have come back down and found my old habits waiting for me, like the 'dirty laundry'. The messiness of my life. I didn't go to India. I stood stranded in Hot Springs, Arkansas, left by a friend of a friend, who was drunk, and when I walked into the Best Western, there was a huge statue of Ganesha. I fell immediately at his feet and prayed for a safe trip back to St. Louis. As I left the same building, I turned a corner, and there, 20 feet high, was a sparkling mosaic of Jesus. Jesus and Ganesha. I felt loved. I felt safe in my uncertainty. I spent the day in the park sitting in deep meditation, and when I went to get a bite to eat, the waitress looked at me like I was the sun. That was in 2007.

I've stood outside Whole Foods Grocery on Brentwood Blvd. in St. Louis, feeling unable to speak or even attempt a thought, after barely making it out of my car, because, while driving the experience of 'No Self' began. I disappeared. I was nowhere and everywhere. I was filled with immense grief and boundless joy at once. My face felt as if it would break from tears and smiles. I could not remember how to speak, when I called my father, afraid I would collapse right there on the sidewalk in ecstasy. The fear of finding myself rushed to a hospital, instead of allowed to exist in that beautiful space was so valid, I dared not go farther than to stand at the edge of the vastness, gazing out with a mixture of fear and wonder... That was in 2008.

I've walked in the park, gazing up at the moon, looking down at the bones of mice dropped by owls, and felt an indescribable peace. I've passed by the spot where a dead tree I dearly loved to sit under had finally been uprooted, and collapsed on the spot in grief. Only to be laughed at by a passing bycyclist, and realize, in that split second, how there was no seperation between her inability to feel the loss of wonder and mine to feel it.

I've walked underneath a huge Pin Oak, to see a tiny baby squirrel, foaming in agony with rabies, drop from the tree branch above, right in front of me. Missing my face by inches, as I stooped to cry with him, and hover my hands over his body, sending him Reiki, because I dare not touch him. I sat there, suffering with the squirrel, tears streaming down my face, as a carload of kids drove by and laughed at me. Then something miraculous happened: the foam on the squirrel's mouth dried up, and he rolled around and away for a bit. Then he began to clean himself. The palsied frenzy was over. Was it the Reiki I wondered? My then boyfriend showed up to tell me, in all selfishness, that we needed to get going, and it was, after all, just a squirrel. I felt compassion for him in his inability to feel oneness with the squirrel, just as I had been able to with the squirrel. I felt a quiet grace descend.

I was in Negril, Jamaica once, back on the cliffs, after having eaten a plate of scrambled eggs and mushrooms, and I saw at once how everything was divine, all illumined by grace. The plants and trees had luminous halos and auras. The roach on the wall became as beautiful as an irridescent beetle. All black and red with the intricate angles of its body. The waves of the ocean were me, and I had to restrain myself from diving into them from the 40 foot cliff wall, just because I wanted to merge back into the ocean. An sole almond fell from the tree above me, drawing me even deeper into the awareness that the sky was the ocean. That I was the ocean, and it was all 'The Same Sea', like the title of Amos Oz' book.

I fell asleep once on my living room floor, sick with salmonella poisoning, to awaken as my body became ablaze with light and sound, my internal eye focused on a wash of kaleidoscopic colors opening into the tunnel of my own spine. I felt carried on waves of bliss so far beyond any orgasm I've ever experienced, and then was heartbroken when the experience vanished. That was in 1996.

In 1996 as well, I experienced my mother's death as if I were with her, while I sat miles away on the toilet, crying with grief. I knew someone close to me was dying, as I cried in agony and fear. Then an immense peace came over me, and I went back to bed to rest in it.

I've had these experiences, and many others, only to come back to this life and it's mundanity, slipping back into old habits and ways of being. It isn't about spiritual attainment of a goal, or about enlightenment. I've had many moments of enlightenment where the presence of my divine nature and the world's was imminent. It is about not that, but holding the space for those moments as well as the ones where I and others have crashed and burned, where we want to cling so madly to the belief that somehow, soon, we will reach the top of some ladder's rungs and stay forever exalted, where we run so hard and fast from our shadows, and the darkness that we must necessarily contain with the light, that we think, conversely, any fall from grace is not just part of the cycle, but death.

It isn't death, it is the process of living. Like the opening and closing of butterflies' wings, like breath breathed and released and let go, if we are to truly be alive, we must let go, let the beautiful moment pass...enjoy it, then exhale it. And then rather than chide ourselves for not having become perfect, or not being able to keep the bliss, allow for these other moments of grief, anger, sadness, rage and anxiety to pass through. Not clinging to them either. Just being ready for joy AND sorrow. Breath and no breath. Delight and no light. It is this fear of exhaling completely and letting go into every single moment, whether painful or peaceful, that keeps the heart from opening. In order to truly breathe another breath into the heart, the last breath must be released. Like the monkey who grabs for candy in a jar, we can't get our fist back out until we let go.

The Mercurial Mother

I'm up early. I slept so much yesterday, that now I am up in time to do Morning Sadhana when it is supposed to be done, between the hours of 4 and 6 am. The Amrit Vela. The Ambrosial Hours. The time of day when the sweet morning dew, that alchemical mixture which falls on the grass, and impregnates the flowers and leaves with healing energy, also hovers in the air to settle on those who are up at this hour to imbibe it through their conscious breath. It is breathtaking to do this practice again at this hour! I feel, after having lost my breath during the pollen season, how wierdly I have an increased lung capacity as compared to before the pollen season. Miracle or hidden strength? I sing and rejoice that I am on day 189 of Bound Lotus. The Grace of God and Guru have brought me here...

Last night when I awoke with a start, and scrambled to do Bound Lotus, I felt sick. When I finished, I did not. As I sit this morning to sing the Aquarian Sadhana mantras, I feel tired, but strangely uplifted. Last night I felt like Cinderella, watching the finery of my practice fade to show the rags of my former poor health peeking through. After Bound Lotus I felt renewed. It is as if Spirit were showing me how very important it is to do this practice every day..."Keep up and you will be kept up."

I want to cry at the realization of the blessing I have received with both this practice and the gift of my name, Amrita. A drop of dew in the ocean. Divine nectar. Deathlessness. Timelessness. This morning, in Bound Lotus, at 5:10 am, I am ecstatic, and riding a wave of Bliss! As I tell those whom I attune to the Reiki energy, you must put the oxygen mask on yourself first. This Bound Lotus is a divine gift! No longer rotely done. No longer a chore. It was a gift when I began it...and it is again now. Another Dark Night of the Soul is past, and I can see the beauty and intricacy of this pose entwining itself with me. I feel like I am growing roots into the earth as I sit. My head feels like a rose or a lotus blossoming forth. I WILL keep up! I WILL honor God and Guru and myself, for this blessed gift of being able to DO Bound Lotus. This heals me. Even more to do it first thing in the morning just as I did at Winter Solstice. A gift of Yogi Bhajan's Grace. The Guru's Grace. Grace of the Divine. The Mercurial Mother...and the Cosmic Father.

Some days I fall short...

Yesterday I woke up blissful on Mother's Day, for the first time in more than a decade...today I am crabby and tired. I teach to 1, again, for the 6:15 am. One student whom I dearly love for her kindness and enthusiasm, but it is harder to teach one. It takes 10 times more energy, and the monetary exchange is not there to make up for it. I've looked for the 'silver lining' in all this 'practice' and learning from teaching such an unpredictable class, and have told my employer at that studio that I want a break. I can't get subs for a class that the teacher might not even get paid for, because there might not be students. I can't pay someone $20 to teach it, when I barely make $9 sometimes. Can't afford it. So, on June 1st the class goes on 'hiatus'. But basically, I'm done.

Then I go to sub a Gentle Yoga class where I know I will be compensated for my time. I feel free to enjoy teaching without the financial concerns. The students, one of whom has MS, are a joy to teach! Smiles, gratitude for the sheer joy of movement! I'm not just 'service personnel' up there giving them their 'workout'. I've got a student who routinely shows up late for class, and seems to have subconsciously surmised that if she shows up late enough, she can justify skipping shavasana and meditation, which is really important not to miss. But these students in this Gentle Yoga class are here to feed their bodies AND their souls. This is why I teach. For this love.

The movements from Saul David Raye's Ritam Yoga make them smile. Movement comes at a premium for them, and they are not worried about working up a sweat and getting a workout. They want to FEEL. They want to be at home in their bodies. They're done with beating their bodies up. They've learned the hard way to be kinder to their bodies, and not run them to death.

One student needs help from the floor, and we laugh about it. We walk out together, chatting about the trials and tribulations of MS, how it came about, and how she keeps smiling. She cracks me up. I know it can't be fun, but she laughs anyway. This is someone I want to know...

I go to meet a friend for Mass at the Cathedral. It's beautiful. We talk after. I end up attuning him to Level 1 Reiki outside the Cathedral. In the rain. He says he sees pink and green light coming from my hands. He's high from the energy, but doesn't know it. For some reason, this particular attunement takes a lot out of me...he has a high level of anxiety, higher than mine. Anxiety is draining for others, especially for me, because I am 'high-anxiety' myself, and also very empathic, and it doesn't take much for me to entrain with the vibe, or to want to fix it, which drains. I need to get away from him, but don't. It's a great conversation, but it is wiping me out. Is this what I do to others with my anxiety? I don't like seeing it mirrored back at me, and I am exhausted, just as I was the day I first met him the Monday before last.

I get home and do most of my Kundalini meditations. I lay down to take a nap and set the alarm, but never hear it. I'm fast asleep. When I awake, I barely have time to do Bound Lotus! With the Grace of God and Guru, I finish...and it is by pure Grace that I do. I am ever so grateful!!!! No more leaving Bound Lotus till later in the day to be done...from now on, I will do it first thing in the morning.

"The Silver Desert" of Ecstasy

Gabrielle Roth, in her book "Maps to Ecstasy", describes a state of ecstasy that is deathless, beyond death, which she calls 'The Silver Desert'. It's just a name for it, her name for it, but one which opens a door for me on this day. Mother's Day. A day which I have quietly tried to ignore for 14 years...this year, I feel the presence of ALL mothers. A friend and employer who is pregnant, a student coming to my Sunday class who is pregnant, Erykah Badu's Live Album with the picture of herself pregnant with her boy 'Fly'. Erykah Badu is in concert tonight at The Fabulous Fox. I notice this at breakfast at Einstein's. I put my hair up in a turban, put an Indian print dress over my yogawear, and head out to teach my class to the music of Erykah Badu. Something I've wanted to do for a long, long time.

The students joke about me not stripping naked like Erykah did once at the Dallas courthouse, I think? No worries... The pregnant student I watch to learn from as she modifies poses to suit her and her baby's needs. She is fabulous! I love it! I love mothers! All mothers! And I miss mine, but with a joy tinging the longing for her presence.

At home, I make potato salad and do all my Kundalini meditations, including Bound Lotus. The room is luminous, though I am tired. Then I curl up and read Gabrielle Roth's words about death, and deathlessness, and The Silver Desert:

"The first time I glimpsed the Silver Desert, I was nine years old. Eva took me there. She was my first spiritual teacher, though of course I didn't realize it until long after. I was living with my parents near Golden Gate Park in San Francisco.

I'm playing with some friends in the street. We're throwing ourselves recklessly into a large hedge on the side of the house. Suddenly an elderly woman bolts out of the house and scares away my friends, I stay, as my friends run off, mesmerized by her energy and...

My 'new name' is Amrita Kaur! :-)

Today is Day 187 of Bound Lotus. Today is also the completion of 120 Days of 'Releasing Fear' meditation. An auspicious day to be dawning. Last night, at 9:06 pm, I checked my e-mail on my iPhone. Earlier, at 8:49 pm, I had received an e-mail from 3HO with my new name. I had not expected it so soon. I sat in my meditation room to read it, and when I saw the name 'Amrita', I knew it was right. I felt the emotion rumbling in my belly, and the tears of joy beginning to bubble up like a deep artesian well. This name, is what I "heard" back in 2006 that I thought was 'Amora' or 'Amira', that I more recently thought was 'Akal Moorat', meaning "deathless". This name, AMRITA, is part of the honored name of my beloved Ammachi (Sri Amritanandamayi Devi), whose picture resides on my altar with that of Yogi Bhajan and the murtis of Krishna, Kali, Saraswati and Lakshmi. This name is in the mantra I took from Ammachi in 2006, and that I try to say at least one round of on a mala (108 times) every day, if not more. This name is, I am given to understand, very auspicious. It appears I have great numerology? I don't know about that, but I do know the name means 'divine nectar', the ambrosial liquid akin to cerebrospinal fluid that travels through CNS and PNS when the Kundalini energy is moving. This name also means "strong, strength and deathless". Sounds like a Phoenix from the flame to me...

This name was also on the cover of a book I bought in late 1996. It was the novel "Amrita" by the Japanese magickal realism writer Banana Yoshimoto. I showed it to the creep I was dating then, and showed him the cover picture of a girl with tears falling from her eyes down the page, that looked like the picture I drew for my sister while she was at summer camp when I was 5 and could not write, and I missed her. The book is about a young woman who loses a family member to suicide, falls on her head (like me), gets amnesia (kind of like me), goes through grief, dark nights of the soul, and the shadows of her soul, to find her soul again. I've never actually and completely read the book, but I've meant to for years. Now I will. I've read the last page which I love and will quote here because it pretty much sums up how I feel right now:

"It had always been out there, shining brightly. I just hadn't reached out to touch it. But every now and then I felt surrounded by its presence. From right to left, from here to there, like water flowing downstream. Limitless amount of sweet oxygen. The more I took in, the greater the supply.

"Like a saint in the legends who reached out and took jewels from the sky, I had the same kind of talent for gathering miracles in my life. There was no doubt about it. Those feelings had always been with me.

"You know, banging my head on the stairway wasn't such a bad thing after all...

"And that's how I see it."

And that is how I see it. I see myself as Amrita, having falling on her head BECAUSE she forgot who she was, and needed to be reminded. In the worn out words from years ago...This is who I AM: I AM Amrita.

Teaching for Blackberries (not pennies)

I've been teaching a 'Kundalini-inspired' class for three weeks now that is by donation, such as fruit, veggies, chocolate and such, and one of my students brought blackberries to share. The edible kind. I love this group in Granite City. They are friends and not just students. I left smiling, and then came home to some wonderful news in my e-mail inbox that I am not read to share yet. I am very happy to the point of tears of joy! I also am a little miffed that I can't find my Cross pen. I want the universe to bring it back, so I can get back to thinking about what was in the e-mail.

Of course I did Bound Lotus and all my other meditations, and also Maha Shakti Chalnee Indra Kriya and the Meditation for Change.

Deepening My Practice

Yesterday I did the "Full" practice of Subagh Kriya and 31 minutes of meditation to 'Ad Gurey Nameh', whereas before I just did 11 minutes. I felt as if my heart were being pried open like a rock shrimp being fileted. I did the same two practices again today... Then I spontaneously ran downstairs to borrow the computer and sign-up for Summer Solstice and Kitchen Seva. I am anxious about not having a tent. A little nervous about the changes Solstice will bring, and also wishing with all my might to be able to take KRI Teacher Training in August in Espagnola, New Mexico.

I finally made it out the door to teach my evening class after sitting for Bound Lotus. One of my students came by only to sign herself in, even though she can't take class because she hurt her knee. She just loves my class so much she doesn't want to see it cancelled for lack of attendance in the past few weeks. I had told her that if my boss at that studio cancels another class of mine on a whim, I will not replace it with another class at the same studio. I told her not to worry, because there were students there.

We had fun, just doing more Yin-like poses, and laughing and telling jokes. Then I came home and sang some more...

Tantric Har and Subagh Kriya

Last Fall, in September, I believe, I accidentally googled 'Tantric Har', the chant to which Subagh Kriya for Prosperity is done. Then in October I heard the Ray Man Shabd in Sat Inder's class. I had to have it, borrowed it, and copied it right away...listening to it non-stop, and all the while hearing the phrase 'Bound Lotus' in my head. In my mind's eye I saw the cover of the only Kundalini Yoga Aquarian Times magazine I ever received stored somewhere in my home. I found it, and also the article on Bound Lotus, which described how the Ray Man Shabd is recited while doing Bound Lotus. My spine lit up!

Also in that issue were an article on Japji, which had caught my eye; the Meditation of Change ( which, incidentally, involves the mudra pictured on Lululemon's announcement for their new store); and the complete practice of Subagh Kriya, part of which is done to Tantric Har. I feel drawn to all of it, though Bound Lotus was the only practice I committed to first. I've done the first part of Subagh Kriya (which can be done seperate) for almost 40 Days. I tried the full practice today. It felt good to do except for the last part. Inhaling only for 20 seconds, holding the breath in for 20 seconds, and exhaling slowly for 20 seconds made me so full of intense anxiety. The kind that in the past would have sent me to the bathroom cabinet for a Xanax or Valium. I started to hyperventilate...I need to do this.

I have so much more fear to let go of if I want to go to Summer Solstice and take KRI training. I need $808 to go to Solstice. I need $4'500 to take Teacher Training. I had $1400 saved, but had to spend it on a new car. I've since lost $150 in income and taken on a $237 monthly car payment. There was no other way...I needed the car. I need a reliable source of income that still allows me to teach. I need to be at Summer Solstice and at KRI Teacher Training. I've had so much bad luck over the years, and now it is turning good in the past few, but I need more good luck!

Yogi Bhajan describes Subagh Kriya this way: "It's a complete set. This is all called Subagh Kriya. If God has written with His own hands that you shall live under misfortune, then by doing Subagh Kriya you can turn your misfortune into prosperity, fortune, and good luck. I'm going to give you a very handy tool, one that you can use anywhere, and you'll become rich. To become rich and prosperous, with wealth and values, is to have the strength to come through. It means that transmissions from your brain and the power of your intuition can immediately tell you what to do." It sure would be nice to never feel the pull to work in a strip club again just because I'm hurting for money. It would be nice to buy my Dad a house. I need this. I know what he means by his words above: this Kriya gives you strength, intuition and the clear-headedness to make better choices in life that will lead to prosperity. It increases your energy and your auric connection in such a way as to 'attract' opportunity. This idea is hard for me to swallow, but I'm trying. Everything else has worked. Could I really become prosperous AND healthy AND happy? I'm mostly healthy (a far sight better than years ago), sometimes happy...can I just Trust? In God? In Saraswati? In Kubera? In Ganesha? Wahe Guru!?!

3HO has given me an opportunity...

...to see if another Spiritual Name in the American Sikh tradition comes up. I saw this last night in my e-mail, and after the day I had yesterday, I just cried at seeing this. The day was so wearing and so long that even good news was stressful. I felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to respond with a thank you, but could only dissolve in a puddle of tears.

I feel how dramatically Kundalini Yoga has changed my life, and I can feel in my bones how the gift of a Spiritual Name would deepen that strength. All Yoga has been healing, but something about Kundalini Yoga is just incredibly powerful. It is as if every time I sit for a practice, my Guru, my teacher, is present with me. I feel and see a profound difference in my life with the completion of each practice. The practices I do to expand the aura also heal depression, split personalities, and by their nature expand the aura, arc lines, and radiant body. Though they are not visible to the naked eye, these are what were all but destroyed from 3 years in an abusive relationship and 12 working in a bar where my already low self-esteem had plummeted to new lows. My 'she'll' is being put back together, and repainted, like a broken Flora Danica teacup.

I've decided I want this opportunity for a new name with 3HO. As long as they remember to factor in my birth time astrologically, I feel this new one will be right. Professionally I will stay with Phoenix Amira Lei...but I will say yes to a new Spiritual Name with 3HO. I will say "yes" to Ram Dass Singh and Nirinjan Kaur. Thank you Yogi Bhajan and Ammachi for your blessings!

It's 7 PM and I am tired and angry.

My day started at 5 am. I taught two classes. Then I waited patiently to get my back cracked at the chiropractor's, trying to close my eyes and meditate in preparation for the long day ahead, while the therapist kept walking by, making snide comments, and punching me in the arm telling me I'd better wake up. When I said I wasn't sleeping but simply trying to meditate, I got grilled about whether my mala beads were a 'rosary'. I finally got my back adjusted, and grabbed some lunch, unfortunately walking in to find myself joining people who I'd rather not sit with; people who think asthma is pretty much all in your mind. I endured and was polite, thankful that the issue of my offending lungs never came up.

Then I went to the DMV. For an hour. Then to my garage for an emissions test. Then to downtown City Hall for almost two hours with ghetto-ass freakazoids bothering me while I waited for my Personal Property Tax Waiver. Then I went back to the DMV. My car is now legal. My taxes are paid. I've also lost $150 a month in income from one of my classes being cancelled. And now I have a traffic ticket to pay, so I'll be eating ramen noodles probably for a while. But I smiled anyway. I smiled at the assholes at City Hall, I smiled at the DMV people, and the babies I saw all day... Then I came home to find that a Census worker had visited my home.

The first form they sent never arrived. The 2nd form came as I was jumping through hoops to buy my car, and then get rattled by harassment from a student, and wondering if I'd be fired for standing up for myself. Now a man, no less, a strange man came to knock on my door. I now HAVE to be interviewed in person. When I called this man back as requested, he was so inarticulate that it took 10 minutes for him to simply confirm that I'd have to be interviewed in person now. I said no way was any man coming into my home, or standing at my front door. I have an appointment with a woman for Wednesday around lunch to answer five stupid questions.

I feel like Greta Garbo. I've had enough of the world for a month. I want to be left alone. I am naturally a recluse. I want to do Bound Lotus and be left alone.

This day started out well...

Or sort of. I do wish students would show up early for Yoga class, instead of driving me crazy having to enter everyone's data and credit cards, new students and everything right when class starts, so that we start 15 minutes late. That is not relaxing. But I did get to let off steam by taking a class afterwards. Then I came home, cleaned up a little, and got ready to teach again. I left early, as I usually do. I was in no hurry, but according to the cop who pulled me over for driving the same speed as everyone else on Brentwood Blvd., well she saw it differently.

I had to listen to her lecture about how my license plates will expire tomorrow, so I told her all about how the dealership that sold me my car forgot to send me the paperwork I would need to pay for my taxes and tags, and I didn't receive it until yesterday. Yes I'll get it taken care of and do it tomorrow. I'd already planned on it. I would have called the dealership to ask where my papers were, if I hadn't been what I now see was totally rattled by the threat to my job, and the harassment.

So I took my ticket and went home. Slower. With my only recently reemerging enthusiasm for life dampened yet again. But never fear Bound Lotus actually saved the day. That, and the tree pollen dropped significantly, allowing me to breath and sing. I guess, considering how pissy I am today, the theory of 'positivity' curing breathing difficulties, i.e., asthma, allergies, what have you is bogus. It WAS because the pollen dropped. Because I've been pretty pissed off at the world for a month now. With some rare and exceptional days. But of course, I must expect it with all these days of Bound Lotus dredging up old crap to be released.

Wet Wings Bursting Forth

I read Gabrielle Roth's "Sweat Your Prayers", think of Saul David Raye's 'Ananda Tandava' dance and wonder what the dance of destruction he mentioned is called. I want to put on some music and dance my lingering grief, sadness and fear away. I felt like, when my job and character were threatened by someone who sexually harassed me, as if everything I'd worked for would be taken away. I try to be positive, but I am having difficulty breathing freely, both because of the pollen, and this fear. I feel like I am myself wrapped in a cocoon of grief woven through with the grief threads of every woman who has been labeled as unbalanced or crazy because they protested a man's actions. I feel like I am my own mother wanting simultaneously to beat that guy over the head with a wall air-conditioning unit, and pour myself a nice cup of tea, and say, "There love. It's okay. The bad man is gone. All gone now." I sing to mother, to Ma, to Kali Ma, Durga Ma...protect me!!!!

I do Bound Lotus, again, and erupt into dance. Then I read Gabrielle Roth's words: "I know she'll emerge next month like a butterfly from a grief cocoon, flap her damp wings until they dry, and flutter across town..."

Last night, in meditation, I saw the physical eyes and the 3rd eye as an Infinity symbol with a sun above it. It is the Heart of the Christos symbol from Sekhem-Sekeim-Reiki that I teach. A little SSR and some R&R is what I need.